Spirituality Versus Religion

The following is the essay I wrote for my AP Psychology class that accurately expresses my views:

If you were to sit down right here right now, and start talking about what created the universe and the meaning of such, would it be an easy task? Unless you’ve actually thought out your own theories before, it probably wouldn’t be. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, which is why psychology is such a diverse topic; it is essentially opinions based on empirical, factual evidence. The freedom lies within the interpretation. My opinion and interpretation of the creation and interaction of the universe is reflected in the following paradigms: All energy can be neither created nor destroyed; Everything in the universe is made up of energy, including the perceived god; The universe is based upon interactive energy; Spirituality works hand in hand with energy, differing from the concept of religion. I want to state in this essay my own thoughts and feelings associated with spirituality and religion, and I will support my opinions with other moderately and well known psychologists who take the same stance.

At the very base of all life and earth, the Law of Conservation of Energy states that energy cannot be created or destroyed. Essentially, all energy circulates throughout the universe as one, changing only in appearance. However, it is difficult to imagine the concept of nothing ever being created or destroyed. Fires destroy forests and homes, trees are planted and grow, and babies are made. All of this matter seemingly comes from or disappears to nowhere. When we consider the universe, we know only one thing: it exists. But how does it exist? How did it come to be? The big bang theory presents the idea of “matter that concentrated” (Sadananda) to come together and create everything. Questions have been asked about the creation of our existence for thousands of years, and although science has improved the quality of these answers, no one will ever be for sure. This is why people turn to religion, so they don’t have to be left and wanting more in the dark. Since science is unable to accurately figure it out, people turn to a more supernatural level where “all religions proclaim that universe is a creation and that there is a creator, that we call God, who is in heaven” (Sadananda). The creation of the universe and the law of conservation of energy can be incredibly difficult concepts for some religions. For example, Christians believe that “God” created the earth in 6 days and created the human on that 6th day. This leaves absolutely no room for the scientific fact of evolution. In my opinion, the bible is hardly a credible source when you’re trying to find a literal translation of our world. However, should those who don’t believe in evolution believe in the law of conservation of energy, the two theories could possibly be combined. If humans were created on that 6th day, they looked much different than they do now, but their energies shifted and transformed into what we see today. The concept of shifting and transforming energy is often difficult for a closed mind to understand. When there is a phenomenon that humans can’t understand, such as the creation of the universe or the world, they turn to religion so their little minds can have comfortable closure with themselves, and won’t go crazy over the fact that they don’t have a firm grasp upon the knowledge they desire. This is, in my opinion, the general purpose of religion.

Everything in the universe is made up of energy, including any perceived god. The earth and her inhabitants are made up of cells which are made up of atoms which are made up of energy. At the core of everything in the universe is energy. It is also very interesting to note that many religions’ perception of god is essentially the same perception scientists have towards energy. It cannot be created nor destroyed and it is the basis of creation of all things. “In other words, all the energy that ever existed, that was present at the beginning, still exists” (Rall). To put it in Christian terms, “all energy is God, and there is no such thing as someone being separated from god. God cannot be separated from his own body” (Rall). So now, we have taken the paradigm a step further. All energy can be neither created nor destroyed and this energy makes up everything in the universe, including “god”. To some, this energy may be god him or herself, but to me this energy is pure and raw, connecting and flowing through everyone and everything in the universe. I firmly believe the words god and energy can be used interchangeably, where “energy” is substituted anywhere the word “god” appears. For example, energy created the universe instead of god created the universe. The former sounds more logical to me anyway. The past two paragraphs have almost been a part of the introduction, providing the base facts on which I will express my upcoming opinions on god, religion, and spirituality.

The universe is based on interactive energy. The flow of our energy intertwines and interacts with the flow of all other energy in the universe. Instead of everyone and everything having their own separate energies, the universe is one big, connected energy. My energy is the same as the energy that makes up the grass in India. “A cell, or molecule, or atom on one side of the world, say in the United States, can communicate with any other cell, molecule or atom on the other side of the world, say in China, because they are able to signal each other with oscillating frequencies, and this communication happens non-locally and virtually instantaneously” (Rall). This is further explaining the concept of all energy being connected and on the same frequency, no matter where it is. So, since all of our energy is connected, all of our thoughts, actions and emotions are connected as well. “The whole universe consists of energy, but it is the intelligent, organized pattern and interaction of this energy… everything that occurs is caused by some disturbance in the oscillating frequencies somewhere in the world or universe, and it is caused by somebody or something… causes changes in the frequencies which regulate matter and energy, and change happens” (Rall). When you focus and organize your own thoughts and energy, you can push them into the universe and receive the energy back that your thoughts created. This is where the law of attraction and karma come into play. The thoughts you hold in mind are the actions that will appear in your life, and what you put out into the universe will graciously return to you.

Pausing here for a moment, we look back to organize our thoughts. All energy is neither created nor destroyed, this energy makes up everything in the universe, and this energy is also one and is connected with everything. So essentially, we are all the same and we are all one. We live within the same energy and interact within the same energy. Our thoughts and actions directly affect everyone else in this world, as we are all on the same energetic frequency. The energy we are is what we perceive as god, leading to the conclusion that each and every one of us is the same; we are all “god” (for lack of a better word). When we think, we are meditating; we are always meditating. When we think and act, we can change our reality, since being “god”, we are the makers of our own reality. In my opinion, there is no point in praying strictly to god. Since we are all the same energy as this perceived god, why not meditate on your own being and your own reality? This is a new religion; it’s not even a religion at all. This is the concept of spirituality.

Spirituality works hand in hand with energy, differing from the concept of religion. “Spirituality is an inherent component of being human, and is subjective, intangible, and multidimensional” (Tanyi). At one point or another, everyone in the span of their life is bound to question where they came from, why they are here, and what the power beyond their current line of visibility is. To be honest, religion can do absolutely nothing to satisfy these questions. Spirituality is about finding yourself and meditating on the oneness of the single energy our universe actually is. It is highly subjective as well, as every person experiences their thoughts and actions extremely differently. Being as subjective as it is, everyone will come to a different conclusion. A lot of times, especially in our Christian American society, the conclusion of religion will be mistaken as a conclusion of spirituality. In my opinion, finding Jesus is not similar in the least bit to finding yourself and experiencing the world around us at a higher, connected level. “Spirituality and religion are often used interchangeably, but the two concepts are different” (Tanyi). This concept was mentioned previously and this quote is simply reinforcing the fact that spirituality is a much different way of thinking and believing than what religion has to say. “Spirituality involves humans' search for meaning in life, while religion involves an organized entity with rituals and practices about a higher power or God” (Tanyi). Here is where the differentiation is revealed. All world religions, no matter which one it is, are organized and have rituals and practices. When looking at the paradigm associated with this section, and comparing it to the definition of spirituality, it is not difficult to see how spirituality is related to energy, and how religion really is not at all. Spirituality strives for understanding of the self and the universe, and to do that you must understand that basis of your self and universe, which is energy. This goes back to the paradigm of “Everything is made up of energy, including god.” I believe it’s somewhat difficult to grasp the idea of everything being made of the same energy. To put it into perspective, it’s like the universe is a rather large ocean, but in lieu of water, waves of energy are crashing over each other. Religion, on the other hand, is more like a puppet, with the supreme being holding all others on a string. In this view, everything is connected only to god and not to each other unless the god wills them to do so. As I see it, the difference between spirituality and religion could possibly come down to free will. Spirituality is finding yourself freely, whereas (in my opinion) religion was created by a group of people who believed themselves better than everyone else who wanted to control all of humanity in a way other than law. This belief of mine corresponds with a personal paradigm that god does not exist. The last thing I want to restrict my spiritual growth and discovery is someone coming along telling me I have to believe in god because he is the supreme ruler, and if I sin I will end up in hell. Although these are my personal opinions, I believe everyone should have the freedom to believe what they wish and to each his own.

Thoreau?

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer." -Henry David Thoreau

Why is it that you look around school and the streets and any building to see everyone dressed and acting the same (with a few exceptions)? There is a steady beat of the drum that most people follow and that is conformity to the natural laws of society. However, there is a separate drum, with an entrancing twitch that lures you into nonconformity if you aren't careful. Because in this society, nonconformity is seen as dangerous. In my mind, it is seen as partial freedom. I have a difficult time grasping the concept of freedom and free; freedom is an illusion (Skinner). This represents the individual who has broken free from the ropes which has bound his hands and feet and left behind scars on his neck and chest. This is the individual who has stepped off the chalky white line he or she follows to their "ultimate destiny."

I have heard the enchanting drum before and I am waiting until it beats again close to my ear so I can make the move for good off of my line.


Who is Thoreau? Of course I know who he was. But who is he? We study him, learn of Walden and the transcendental concepts. Everything he wrote and studied has been refined to fit the needs of the modern world, but what if his raw thought were to be exposed? There is more to these divine lovers of nature than we could have any possible idea.

Thoreau is cliche. He is overread and overanalyzed by the english teachers. He wanted simplicity, "keep your accounts on your thumbnail." He never would have wanted his views of life and experience to cause such a stress in any one's life. Not that studying philosophy is stressful in the least bit, but (again it comes back to the english teachers...) picking apart every word for a hidden meaning that, with Thoreau at least, could very possibly not be there, is almost a waste of time and insightful literature.

It is already happening now. What will become of our fellow transcendentalists when nature is no more? When the industrialized world consumes every last inch of the earth, where will our connection to the natural world be? It is already tainted and will become more and more poisoned until all natural beauty is sucked away from the planet. That day will surely be a shame for each who was living in it. The sad part is, I do not doubt that it will happen.

Tomorrow is the first day of December...

What an eventful month. Lose one, gain one, lose one, gain one.

I don't remember who it was, but someone told me not to worry about relationship problems because every relationship is going to end at sometime or another, no matter what.

My life is so intense right now, I work, I go to school, I experience life with the friends that I love more than they could imagine. Except the school aspect is slipping.

I feel happy, I feel alive, I feel like I know what I want. I also feel like there's a little poisonous plant growing in the pit of my stomach, but if I take the right precautions, I can kill it off now. My life at this point is figuring out what those precautions are so I don't let the poison spread throughout my body.

Additionally, I feel uncomfortable and squemish in my body. My legs are such a burden, I'm so close to just chopping them off.

Wow... I don't know how I would live without my legs.

I do(n't) know what to do with myself!

There is nothing in this world I have wanted more

What does our life consist of? Routine.
We are born, wake up each day, eat, breathe, school, work, sleep. We climb up the ladder through high school, then college, then the work force, then wisdom in our old age.

If we were to truly live, we wouldn't have a set schedule for each day just to make money to live comfortably. More than anything, I'd like to be isolated in a beautiful place to die. There is nothing to live for and there is nothing but ease and rest when we pass. How could the purpose here to be in disease and unrest?

When I say there is nothing to live for, I am referring to ourselves. Not you, whoever you may be, not the government, not the organized religion, not anyone. I know it may be self centered to tell you I am not living for you (although there are some of you that are the reasons I am still alive), but it really comes down to what we have to live for for ourselves, as much as I would not like to say it. I can find no reason, either now or for the future, that is a legitimate reason to keep living.

Do not take this for a suicide note, for it is not. It is just a simple explanation of my thoughts on death. We read a beautiful poem in English about death called Thanatopsis that reinforced the concept of death being natural and peaceful.

Thine individual being, shalt thou go to mix forever with the elements, to be a brother to th' insensible rock and to the sluggish clod, which the rude swain turns with his share, and treads upon. The oak shall send his roots abroad, and pierce thy mould. Yet not to thy eternal resting place shalt thou retire alone--nor couldst thou wish couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down, with patriarchs of the infant world--with kings the powerful of this earth--the wise, the good, fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past, all in one might sepulchre.

There is nothing that could be better than eternal rest and peace.

I finally understand.

I am so in love with you.

Song of The

Follow me, then, to the roads of gold and the rivers of platinum.
The water can rush over our faces as we bathe in the moonlight.
I have never heard this voice in me before.
I have never felt this voice before.
It can change all the background noise that consumes our ignorant souls.
Hear the silence for once and let it flow in and out.

It was the saddest moment of my Life.

I walked into the room with small difficulty, my elevation was not normal and I had trouble walking and keeping my balance. The old, fragile woman resting in a chair set her gentle eyes upon me as I scuffled by. The task made me uneasy.

Although I sat agog anyway, and burrowed myself into the cold, uncomfortable chair. The atonal music soothed my absent mind. The jacket engulfed me.

That is when I glanced up to see the windows and wondered who was on the other side. I could feel the presence behind the red tint but couldn't see it. I heard everything that was going on.

I sat in a trance in the hall, the giant pipe organ silently intruded into my space. What is beyond those windows in that parallel life? What do those masses of energy believe in? Yet another simplified form of connection and faith (god)? Another facade of consciousness? The only problem is the differences in belief, the changes in illusion.

It was the saddest moment of my life.

The Moon Fell Away

I watched the sliver of a moon fade away tonight. Resting among the deep, dark clouds from the hurricane, I watched it transform itself into the effulgence of the sky. I observed as it seemed our sublunary earth started to spin faster than anyone has felt previously. Driving along the stretch of road was not the issue, the horizon ran away from me faster and faster.

The clouds circled around us in anticipation for the rain that probably isn't to come. The wind hit my face hard and I felt a myriad of emotions.

The moon was still falling away in dust. The star straggled behind. This was the end of those peaceful, aestival nights.

Because of the Peanut

You haven't been here in a while, but you're always here. The red dust that trails behind everywhere you go reminds you where you always are. You're sitting on the roof of the world and notice tiny little cracks in the ground have begun to appear. The rain hasn't fallen in months. At least not in this spot.

The rain shifts, yet it is not rain. Dollops of water are released from the cloudless sky every moment. There is no humidity. There is no source. There is always a paradox of activity from the motionless and endless ceiling. When you first discovered this wonderland, the nonstop flow was a phenomenon.

Now, as you are sitting here rolling the layers of burnt sienna over your ankles, the instant moisture is aggravating. It is nearing, and you are going to have to get up.

You are being and lifting yourself from this spot is not what you want to be. The dirt is being with you. The dirt that is and always has been. The dirt that is fresh to your fingertips. But being is not worrying, and you are worrying about the water. Being in worry, you are not being. Be the dirt. Be the air and the lack of humidity. A drop over there.

See the place you cut the paper thin and rubber thick air over there? Remember the box that seven and a half foot clown handed you? What was in that box... a peanut you believe. What the hell are you going to use a peanut for? A peanut is not even a nut. It is a pea. A drop over here.

You fall back through the tough slit of air holding this antiquated cardboard box. Peak in, what is here? Quick, look away! It could be harmful to your eyes. You begin to put your hand under the lid of the box. It could be harmful to your hand. Rather your hand than eye. Your almost useless appendages feel nothing but the box. Run your hand along the bottom. Something small and rough is there. Chance it, flip off the lid. A peanut. It is a peanut. Fall. Over. Crawl. To. A. New. Area. Bury. Peanut. Under. Ground. F.O.C.T.A.N.A.B.P.U.G. That should go with you when you leave this place. Never are you leaving this place.

Where was that peanut buried? You attatched it to your body and transported it somewhere. Was it the opposite direction of the burrow home you have made for yourself? It is interesting that you even made a burrow. There are no hawks or snakes here. And rain only in a specific location at a time. A drop on your hand.

Now you know why. In being you have mindlessly burrowed yourself under the dusty red surface. Just your face remains uncovered, but you know better than that. Although there is no wind, the not quite earth smooths over the tip of your nose, immersing you in the land. The music is muffled now. You can hear a couple drops impact a couple inches from your ear.

The dry, dynamic storm begins. The huge water droplets hit the earth above you and soak down into your skin. One on your left foot, your right thigh, your hip, your breast, your neck, and your forehead. You feel something generating in your stomach and another crawling back up your throat. Nothing to eat in months. Open your mouth to suck the air you don't need. The dirt piles in. The mass coming up through your body enters your mouth and sets in between your teeth.

Let your chthonic body sink and shut down all of your senses. Keep your ears open. Hear the susurrus of the ground moving around. But it stops moving around you and starts shaking inside your mouth. Silky, stringy substance starts to twist around your teeth and tongue and a force pulls your teeth upward. It is tension, but this force doesn't want your teeth to come out so you let it be. A thin, cylindrical form starts to move up and out of your mouth. It pushes up toward the near surface and breaks through. A pause. Drain your body. Energy into the mass. The stalk shoots up and you become lackadaisical. A tooth slides off.

The huge clusters of water are frozen in the air as the now muddy mess slides off your face. The sun is warm on your lifeless body. This empowers you. Sit up and hit your head on a blob of water. Take a bite. The rain stretches out, but you eventually break it off with your teeth, one now missing. All that was taken from your body has now been returned, and you are back to your normal, effulgent state.

The stalk that emerged from your own body is now spread out a couple feet away from your body. It is a plant. You watch as bramches grow from the body. A bud appears. You wait in anxiety to know what will appear. The protective coverings peel back and you see a tiny, tan speck. It grows.

It is a peanut.

Simply Unimaginable

Unimaginable for me? For you? For who? What is unimaginable?

You know, I do not.
I know, you do not.

When I walk down the hallway I take in through my nose what I should be taking in through my fingertips. I taste what I should be using my eyes for. I hear down to the artificial heartbeat what should be inhaled and touching my tongue.

There is not much reality that lives in my mind at the moment. And unfortunately, there is none of my mind that lives in reality. I seem to have entangled myself into an almost easily avoidable crunch of the universe. Not to say I am discontent, because that would be a lie. My thoughts just rest on other people, places, and things than the ones I have previously known.

We all gauge our lives based on a single set of feelings and emotions. Happy = positive; sad = negative. But what about the emotions that fall under other categories? The ones where you ask me how I am feeling and I plainly just do not know. Then you inquire as to how I could not know. I wonder how my reasoning is beyond you.

I want to explore a whole new level of feeling, I am sick of feeling either happy or sad. They are incredibly empty emotions. I feel almost like we, as a society, stereotype ourselves with emotional words. I have found for myself that when I generalize my feelings, I feel more discontent, for lack of a better word. When I specify down to the button what is going through my mind, I feel very content. For instance, when I am upset, identifying my exact emotion and why it is there is what makes me feel instantly better. On the other hand, if I am happy and don't necessarily know how to describe it, I kind of bring myself down.

I think for once we shouldn't have to ground ourselves and instead embrace everything we feel, whether or not it is familiar. Know that what your mind and soul want you hold in your presence is always for the better, whether you connotate it to be a positive or negative emotion.

There will be a part two to this.

Processing the Past

This past week I had an interesting, upsetting, nostalgic, yet wonderful experience. I am trying to process it all. Half of the time I feel upset, then the other half I am reminding myself that everything that happened was Divine order.

When I walked into the room, I had never felt a greater energy. Almost midnight, I stared at the off-white ceiling for thirty minutes. The lights reflected gold.

This is the year you are glad to live.
This is the year you have much to give.
Live to bless.
Wonderful, wonderful, fortunate you.
This is the year that your dreams come true.

The old book of song guided me to the numberless page. I accepted gratefully, overwhelmed with an unidentified emotion.

Darkness has vanished,
Light is shining clear.
Truth's glorious message makes the glad earth free.
Shine in my soul, fill me with life and light.

The silence is so overpowering I have become dizzy. I have never felt a presence as strong as I do in this room. I see this sugar ant climbing through the folds of my jacket; I bless you. In a world where all else is dark, I have found a light in this one moment. I can see the energy moving through out the entire room and travelling into my soul. What an experience.

I feel your light touch and my heart races.

I heard the voice of an angel. I felt the emotions of an angel. I looked into the eyes of an angel. An angel.

How big is

Forever?

Think on it.

Description of my Current Emotion

Imagine lying on an emormous plateau and the sky is so blue it appears white. The weather is so warm, but there are no droplets of sweat rolling down your forehead. There is nothing in particular you really want to do, but lethargy is the emotion furthest from what you are feeling. You feel alive, alert, and almost invincible. You could jump off the cliff only to float down and land peacefully on your feet.

If any one else was present on the plateau, this feeling would instantly dissolve.

You feel very plain, almost 2-D. You can play in the dirt but it doesn't get you dirty. It's almost like a circus with no tents, clowns, canons, fireworks, candy, fire-breathers, or tight rope walkers. The music is raging in your head, but not in an angry way. The music is 2-D as well.

Everything is heart warming in the most independent way possible. It's not a Christmas time heart warming. It's a barren heart warming. The feeling you acquire when you realize you're tired of having people in general in your life.

Breathe in the dirt. Don't be afraid.

Stand at the edge of the plateau because there is no wind. Even if you fell it would be okay because the burnt orange surroundings will help you slide down. Scratches and bruises are nonexistant. Kick a rock over and count how many seconds until it hits the ground.

This isn't boredom, this is fusion to the surroundings.

The 2-D music comes back as if it is being played by a loudspeaker all over the desert. The sound waves become visible, so stop swimming in the dirt and watch the vibrations bounce off the clouds because they are imminently going to come and rustle your hair. When it does, time is going to slow down, as is the heat. You'll be able to slice the air open!

It's happening! Get out your safety scissors!

Jab your scissors into the air and cut a little slit. The air is kind of hard to push open, it sort of feels like a rubber and gelatin mix. Everything seems to be melting. Oooh you wonder what happens when you stick your head through the curtain of air. Poke through! First the tip of your nose. Take a whiff. Smells like... heat, the same as the side containing the rest of your body. Stick your tongue out now and taste the thick atmosphere on the other side. Tastes like... heat. Alright, muster up the courage to peek in.

Holy shit! It's a real Circus!

You don't know if you want to handle all of that. You were in such a comfortable place on your vast plateau. Sit in the dirt and think about it. Get up and tuck your scissors in your pants for safe keeping, and burst through the rip in the air. A seven and a half foot tall clown hands you a box and assists you in manuvering a sloppy cartwheel. That was weird and uncomfortable.

Maybe you should come back to the Circus another day. Now return to your oven of populous solitude and busy yourself with playing in the dirt again!

Rejuvenation!

I feel so good. I feel so unlike I ever have before. It's a carefree feeling. I focus even further on my studies than you would ever know. A very select few of you matter to me anymore. All others have corrupt themselves with the extreme impurities of the world. And you know what? I don't care anymore.

I used to.

I used to care about my own impurities. Although I rather think the correct word would be "imperfections." Well I don't think it was so much that I cared about them. I liked them a little bit. I just judged myself too harshly. (And I still do.)

I do and I also do not know why I feel differently now. I do know that I feel better because I stopped caring about most things in life, except my own faith. I do not know why I do not care. I am almost ashamed that I don't care anymore. But not really.

Regardless, I feel so fresh now. I wake up to the natural shaded light and just lay there without a fear or a worry or a thought even. Just feeling. Feeling everything around me, especially the sun's rays. I like to feel. I just wish I knew how to put my "feelings" into a word.

This is good. I like me.

Flooding

It's as if everything everyone has ever felt is now bubbling up and brimming over the top. It really felt as if I was in a dream.

But you pinched me to let me know I was not.

I just felt the raw dirt and concrete dust mixed in with the dried and fresh salt of my own tears that had been locked up so long. The dirt doesn't scare me.

Everything I have been feeling for the past two months has been let out and I feel myself being relieved of everything.

This is the beginning of a new era. Everything is changing, like it always does. The everyday changes usually go by unnoticed. The thoughts occuring in each mind each second validate that. If you haven't realized by now, each thought is a change.

I have thought a lot about that picture with a person sitting holding a sign saying, "Keep your coins, I want change." I think this is absurd. I've spent too much of my life waiting for the change to come to me. Hah, "too much of my life." I'm so young. We are all so young.

Want your life to change? Change your thoughts.

Up for the challenge?

Tough.

Again, it starts off with me sitting here listening to the rest of you talk. But this time we're lazily sprawled on the grass. This grass isn't soft, and it's trying to penetrate my skin. Not like I'm going to let it. You're not as harsh as you think you are, grass. The rest of you are all complaining, inquiring as to why the hell I would want to sit here, and the bugs are annoying you. I block out your meaningless words. I like the grass, I like that it's not a fucking feather in a pillowcase.

Days later, I've dropped into my own little sort of fantasy world. I don't feel anymore, and I kind of like it. I'm not so sure where I'm going anymore, and I don't even know how to get to my nonexistent destination. I see my face getting softer and softer each day, yet I notice my features are becoming sharper than ever.

I feel like it's only a matter of time until our souls fall into the light and into the inexplicable bliss I know we have both felt before.

I feel like I've been able to sense your presence. I don't know who you are, but I know when you're near.

A Series of Events

I'm sitting here with an incredible knot in my throat and in my heart. It's interesting how a day's events can put you right back at the first rung of the ladder. It's just an endless fucking cycle of climbing up, only to fall back down.

I feel a slight movement around me, yet I look up to see nothing. But I know it's not nothing. There are too many conflicting energies in the room. I'm still fucking standing here, and I haven't the strength to move any part of my body, so I let myself fall back down onto the floor. My stomach wrenches once more and I'm utterly unable to gather my thoughts. My emotional pain transforms into wretched physical convulsions here on your soft, innocent floor. Finally, I begin to calm down, but a chilling sweat weeps from my face and neck. I'm starting to shiver. All of you are still in the room, without a clue, and here I am on the ground, waiting for some sort of release. Almost on queue, my usually silent phone begins to vibrate rapidly. The noise and motion of the vibrations are amplified to ten thousand times that of its normality, and it takes me a while to reorient myself after that initial shock. I throw my phone across the fucking room. That got some of my emotion out. I'm not going to retrieve it.

I crawl over to the vicinity of your door and use all my strength, and a coffee table, to heave myself up. I use up the rest of my mind and body to walk back into the room and sit down. Nobody notices I left, but it's okay, you're preoccupied with your own activities. I melt there for a while, energizing myself. You're playing a movie, but I sit there motionless, watching what goes on around me. None of you seem to have a clue what's happening in my mind and body, so you jump up and now want to go outside, ignoring the flashing pictures on the now abandoned tv. You all run down the dimmed stairs and I lag behind, looking at this arduous, threatening task ahead of me. Your stairs beckon me to descend, as the light falls on each step in such a heavenly way. But it should know by now that I'm probably about to have another episode. It obviously doesn't care. I tighten my grip on the stair rail as I take the first step, but upon doing so I lose control and fall under the weight pressing down on my shoulders. I instantly decide to slide myself down the rest of the steps. I arrive at the floor, feeling somewhat nauseated, but I force myself to get up and go outside with the rest of you. You still don't know what's going on.

Your driveway is magical. I want to turn off all of the lights and just lay there, but I'm not going tell you that, so it probably won't happen. But I am gracious to be off my feet once more, so here I am, sprawled on your driveway, bathing myself in the starlight. I feel another fucking attack coming along so I close my eyes and listen to you talk about your bullshit. But then, you all start running toward the lake, so I reluctantly arise and follow. I'm beginning to feel the grains of sand between my feet, and it's calming me down quite a bit. I feel a breeze, and am beginning to get fucking cold. I don't know where you all went, but I see a hand built castle next to the water, so I guess there. I walk over and sure enough, there you are. I'm not listening to what you're talking about, but the tide is calling me out to the water, as is the wind that is encasing my body. Since I'm not really feeling any throes coming along, I get up and stare wistfully out onto the lake. The enchanting part of the city on the other side is reflecting in the water and I want desperately to get in. I slowly take off most of my clothes, after making sure the rest of you are ignorant and occupied. My toe dips into the water first and it's kind of chilly but it warms up as I wade in deeper. This is nice... I'm really enjoying something for the first time in a long time. However, my blissfulness is torn apart in one moment when the pain in my mind rushes back and my muscles start to lock up. My eyes burst open and I'm back in your drive way. I must have fucking dozed off, because now you're looking at me saying I look kind of sick. I reply I'm not, but I would love a glass of water. Fuck.

I prop myself up, but the hurt pushes me back down. I want to go back into that dream, I want to know what happens in the lake. But since that's obviously not going to happen, so when you come back with some water I take my time getting up, but eventually follow you back inside the house where everyone else is waiting. This water isn't as fresh as the lake's. It makes me want to gag. No, it actually is making me gag, which is setting off yet another fucking attack. Now I'm just back at the beginning. You still don't know anything.

My Epiphany

I was talking about my experiences to a dear friend the other night, and was letting her in on things I have never told anyone about. Not bad things, just things about me. And upon telling her all this, I figured quite a few things out about myself:

1. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy.
2. There is no one who could possibly imagine what I have felt.
3. When I am sad, it's not really the emotion "sad," it is 100% the emotion "empty."
4. I know exactly who I am.

Furthermore, I enjoy helping people. I realized that's what I should be doing at this very point in time. Well, it's one of the things I should be doing.

Discovering all these aspects to my being, I am a much happier person.

I mentioned quite a large "hole" a few blogs back and I think that I almost completely out of the hole. The task now is to fill all back in what I dug up. It's a lot to fill in, but I believe I'm up to it.

Although, one thing is bothering my conscience. It's not really bothersome, it's just a little aggravating. It's the fact that everyone around me is doing drugs, which in itself does not bother me, until recently now that a friend truly believes and is trying to convince me that drugs are the only way to be happy. I disagree with all of my heart.

My opinion is that we are all here for our souls to find stability, and to experience true happiness. However, it's not a necessity for us to find happiness here. There are many ways you can find happiness, and I actually believe that it is more plausible to find it after transition from this word. Or maybe it's that you find joy.

One of my role models told me once that happiness was short term, in the moment, and joy was the true happy feeling you get forever. I guess that changes everything, so that you can find happiness here on the earth, it is just the true joy that you have to wait for.

The only thing I know about joy is that I have felt it before, but not in this life, in this body. My soul has. The memories rush back.

I have felt a range of so many emotions, it's absolutely incredible. But you have no idea, because they haven't been felt here. I have often been told, even since I was a baby, that I have a very old soul. I guess I never really knew the meaning of that until now. It's nice.

I really wish I could explain all of this better, but I feel phenomenal. Only a handful of people know how I really feel, and even they can't imagine it. My heart feels like it's going to explode with gratitude for myself and my life. I need to fill up my hole with dirt before it sucks me in again and gets bigger.

I got a wonderful feeling everything's gonna be alright. Don't worry about tomorrow, I just want you to stay, so we can make it through another beautiful day.

Sitting here watching you all is what interests me. I see the way you interact with each other, with yourselves, with me. I retreat to being coy, listening, planning the perfect song for the moment. What is it about falling to the shadows that causes everything to amplify in your fucking brain? I hear too much, yet I hear too little. I know you care, but I know you don't care. I feel the beads of sweat popping out of my fucking face and hands, my body becomes overwhelmed with heat. My eyes begin to black out and I have to leave the room before I throw up. You all disgust me.

Leaning against the brick wall in your living room calms me down, while I press my face up against the bitter cold foundation of your house; it's fucking freezing outside. I apologize for using profanity; I tend to do that when I'm overcome with emotion of almost any kind. My emotions and my mind are both running excessively, and I'm not entirely sure if it is in a positive or negative way. I'm angry, but I'm content. I am: I don't know. Either way, my face is still stuck to the wall, so I peel it off and slide down against the massive column. Sitting there for a while calms me down. I should probably muster the strength to enter the room again, although I am desperate not to. Another similar attack possesses my body in the dimmed, deserted room, and I fall over onto my side. The nausea is worse this time, but I get over myself and push everything back down. I get the fuck back up and, with the support of your couch, I look at the door.

Everything is good, everything is bad. Everything is getting better. I'm now shifting everything into the hands of something greater than my miniscule self.

Oh Oh Oh I Got a Feeling.

Love me, love me, oh love me pretty baby.

I feel like you couldn't even imagine. I feel from the past, I remember those emotions. My soul does. I have the feeling in the palm of my hand. I know what I want.

This brings back old memories. But not old as in, a couple years ago. Old as in decades ago. I'm not entirely sure what these memories are, but I feel them. I feel you.

All except one of you don't know what I'm feeling.

You who does, I am waiting for you. You know and I know. We both feel each other, just like the past. The rest of yall? Try to convince me otherwise?

Tell me one thing babe, tell me one thing but I know it ain't true. You can tell me one thing but you know what you're sayin' ain't true.

Back to you pretttttty baby. We're close, closer than before. We just have to find ourselves again. I don't know you in this world, but I know your soul, your energy, and your heart. We're close.

Our journey will go on like this until the end of time.

Ohh ohhhhh ohhhhhhh oh pretty baby.

In regards to

That hole?

I think I actually got my legs out of it.

And maybe my hands as well.

Progress.

Nostalgia

Definition: Bittersweet longing.

Where does it come into play?

I finally recognized it as my root emotion for the past six months. Actually, probably a lot longer than that.

But anyway, all of my other futile attempts to identify this emotion have failed miserably.

What am I nostalgic for?
For a change? For a chance to prove to you who I am? For a chance for you to prove to me that life is worth living?

Who are you?

I don't know you yet. I don't know if I'll know you in this life time. But I know I'll know you. I've felt you before. In those sublime moments, that are actually happening increasingly, where I can actually feel you entering my heart, and searching for me. Searching for where I might possibly be. I know you feel the same. I know you feel it.

It's almost as if, when I feel you in my soul, I feel iridescent. I'm not entirely sure how one can feel iridescent, but it is the first word that pops into my scrambled thoughts if I was to be asked what emotion I feel when you're there.

Damnit, I still don't know who you are.

We'll cross our paths. Even if it does happen to be atop a mountain, our heads in the clouds, the grass so fresh the scent settles in your mouth, the daisies so happy they are jumping up and down, and our minds so impregnated with light, knowledge, and happiness, the rays and auras we emit are just as beautiful through the clouds as the sun is.

Let's ascend the mountain.

Untitled Emotion

I'm really feeling at the moment like I'm being severely compressed into myself. Ask me why, I do not know. It comes and goes. I go in and out.

But mostly out.

These are the times where I think about much, and listen. I listen to you talk, love, and hate. I listen to your bland imaginations ramble on about your petty relationship problems or your latest drug addiction. Or your fantastic relationship experiences.

My mind always has background music of the blues. I'm always humming a tune. It detatches me from the ignorance of the rest of you. Which is good.

Too bad lately it hasn't been working and I start to think. I have now detatched myself from my life and that is difficult to put back together. I'm in a position at the moment where I have sunk so far down under that I can hear absolutely nothing. Picture this: Setting; outside, warm, sunny day. You're walking along and you see a flower. You bend down to pick it up but it disappears between your fingers. "Where did it go?" You ask yourself. "I seriously almost had it." So you sit, and you pluck at the grass until a nice little hole begins to form. You back away as the hole in the dirt starts to grow, however you cannot successfully get away. The hole sucks you in. It isn't deep, but its cool dirt is holding you from getting up. So you lay there, staring up at the sun and the insects that glare at you as they pass by. People also try to talk to you, and you hear them but do not respond. You're stuck and are going to have an arduous task getting yourself out.

I am in a hole.

And I am beginning to like the idea of not getting back up, just to fall in again.

It's interesting though, how my mind works. When I am in this state, I think mostly about what life is, and why I am here enduring all of this. I asked a dear friend for his opinion on life, and he told me it was all about balance. Balancing yourself out. Reaching the equilibrium of your body, mind, and soul. A sort of Nirvana here on earth, if you will.

Oh, but Erika! We are surely on this planet to find love and happiness. That's just a part of balancing out your emotions and events in your life. I've never experienced love, but that doesn't mean I haven't loved. There are more types of love than the construed soul mate of your life. I have definitely loved in other ways. Although it has been a long time since I have felt true happiness. We'll see. There are various ways to balance our your soul and your life. Don't wait for the world to balance it out for you. Be the change you want to see. Be the balance. Don't let the Universe suck you dry; you feed off the Universe because it has an interesting way of feeding people.

I should listen to my own advice.

Feed me your love, feed me your hate, feed me your emotions. Show me your true power, I'll see if I can let mine loose.

Tell me what it is we're here for. Give me a reason to keep getting up in the morning and maybe I'll consider pulling myself out of my comfortable little burrow.

What do I think of the Universe?

I often indulge myself into extreme thoughts of this world. Why is it that we, humans, do the things we do? It actually doesn't have to be limited to humans at all. Why is it anything does what it does? There are so many possibilities of what this world could actually be, of what we could actually be. And I am going to seriously cultivate these possibilities forming in my imagination.

First of all, to satisfy the scientologists, the world could surely be just as it seems. Maybe Thomas Hobbes was correct in his "what you see is what you get" materialism theory. The world could be something along the lines of, "Hey, this is a plant. It is a plant, a plant, and nothing but a plant. Ditto for the rock." Although my own spiritual beliefs quickly reject this philosophy, you never know. It could definitely make life a whole lot easier if what we see in this world was black or white. However, these sharply defined lines wouldn't give us room to conceive or create higher level thoughts as we wished, which is why I highly dismiss this theory.

On a more celestial level, the earth, and especially this universe, have been around longer than our incompetent little minds could ever comprehend. As much as you'd like to think you know, you don't know how anything was created. Sure it could have been the Big Bang theory, God could have created all, or everything could have just appeared. But possibly try to imagine what could have existed before the very first star or planet. Where does that put our little cell of the Universe earth? Probably nowhere. We honestly probably don't mean anything. Our wars, our lives, our bodies, and all of our possessions are beyond insignificant in the place of this vast Universe. This world could mean absolutely nothing at all. The only thing, I believe, that has any actual power whatsoever is our thoughts. The only reason we are put here is to nourish our thoughts and knowledge for something in the very distant future. I think it is highly possible that our soul is our thoughts instead of the commonly connotated spirit of the heart, even though it could play a small part. Our bodies and world are 110% dispensable and used only for the purpose of creating a proper learning environment for higher understanding.

Now, on the other hand, the earth could be an experiment. A much higher power could be watching, studying us. Maybe it's not a higher power, but it is definitely something with much more intelligence than us. I'm not pointing fingers directly to the image we as a race have of "aliens," but with this theory that is imminently the way to describe it. There is also a 99% chance that if this was a correct assumption, we would be an experiment because we lack the serious intellect that would be needed to be anything other than an experiment. For example, in Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five, Billy Pilgrim is captured by the Tralfamadorians, who have extremely advanced minds, and he is taken to their home planet. This is where he is displayed for months in a zoo. I'm not the only one to think of our world and race as an experiment. Thank you, Kurt Vonnegut, for your support.

Very obviously, our little Milky Way galaxy isn't the only galaxy in the Universe. So, in theory, there could be billions of other Universes out there as well. I like to think of it as whatever higher power there is has our Universe on a table in a glass. The other Universes are on the same table but in different glasses. You all know what a parallel Universe is. I'm sure that our Universe isn't in a glass, but that is just a visual representation of what it could be like. It makes me wonder what fills the space between Universes. If a parallel Universe was so, everything we say and do could have been carefully planned and thought out some place else. Maybe in a different dimension. Each Universe could possibly be a different dimension, this just happens to be the third. Of course, we don't know how to do this, but other things from other dimensions could technically weave in and out of our world as they wished. They could show parts of themselves and other parts they could hide. They could basically do whatever they wanted. But then if you think about it, our minds are powerful enough to go to any dimension we wished. It wouldn't be while we were conscious, so in our dreams we would be able to come and go from this world as we pleased. Anything is plausible.

We only use 10% of our mind's potential power anyway, so I'm thinking that when we sleep and dream, we could use more of that. I also believe that serious drugs and hallucinogens stimulate your brain so that it uses more than 10%. I'm not saying you should do drugs to stimulate your thoughts, but I am saying that the images you see while on LSD or something could potentially be your mind working at a higher level. It creates chemical reactions in your brain that it is not used to, which causes it to go places it has not ever before. Using drugs like this would probably put 14% or 15% of your mind to use. Think of how different the world would be if everyone used even 25% of their minds. Maybe in the next couple worlds we journey through, the percentage of the mind we use will steadily increase.

There is so much on our planet of religion, the earliest of people had a God they worshipped, and it has been that way ever since the existence of man. The million dollar question is, however, which religion is the correct one? You might say Catholic, Jewish, Islam. I say all are correct. Each religion has their fallacies, but each religion has their own idea of God or a higher Divine Spirit. This "God" created the planets and universe, you live on this particular planet, and then something happens after you die (I'm excluding Atheism, since it is basically the lack of religion). You don't have to believe in God, you don't have to believe in anything. But I think this is where the Law of Attraction comes into its most seriously play. What you think is reflected in your actions. If you are Catholic and believe that if you do not get to go to Heaven unless you repent all of your sins, then that is what is going to happen to you. If you are spiritual and believe that Death is just the beginning of a higher journey, that is what is going to happen. If you are Atheist and believe nothing will happen, nothing will happen. The Secret describes the Universe as a genie with, "Your wish is my command." I think that accurately describes religion. This world and your life could have been created by a God, or not, but whatever you believe is what you get.

On a much higher level of thinking, this might not even be our real life at all. What if this was just a pre- or post-life. Our lives on this earth could just be preparing us for something much greater to come. Well, I'm positive that this is just preparing us for an "afterlife." But, it wouldn't really be an afterlife if the world we live in now is a pre-life. Try to imagine what your real life would be like if this was just a prelude. On the flip side, it could be a post-life. This is where we go after we die in our previous life, a sort of purgatory, if you will. Think of your journey, although you don't know where it starts, as going through a multi-story mansion. You start at the bottom, and in my opinion the bottom isn't your life on this planet, and work your way up. The earth is most definitely not the top story either. It probably isn't even close. The question here is, what is on the top story? I don't know, you don't know, maybe it never ends. We'll just have to see when we get there, because the end of this life is not the end of your journey.

The only logical conclusion I have drawn is the fact that there are multiple levels of worlds you go through, and this insignificant planet is just a temporary home for spiritual growth. You don't have to agree with me, and most of you probably will not. But I conceived this idea and in my mind, if you can conceive it, it is possible. Descartes thought same way. He believed that if we imperfect beings could imagine a perfect God, then he must exist. I am not perfect, I imagined these theories, therefore they could exist. It's all perception of what you see in the Universe and how you want to transcend through your journey. You choose.