A Series of Events

I'm sitting here with an incredible knot in my throat and in my heart. It's interesting how a day's events can put you right back at the first rung of the ladder. It's just an endless fucking cycle of climbing up, only to fall back down.

I feel a slight movement around me, yet I look up to see nothing. But I know it's not nothing. There are too many conflicting energies in the room. I'm still fucking standing here, and I haven't the strength to move any part of my body, so I let myself fall back down onto the floor. My stomach wrenches once more and I'm utterly unable to gather my thoughts. My emotional pain transforms into wretched physical convulsions here on your soft, innocent floor. Finally, I begin to calm down, but a chilling sweat weeps from my face and neck. I'm starting to shiver. All of you are still in the room, without a clue, and here I am on the ground, waiting for some sort of release. Almost on queue, my usually silent phone begins to vibrate rapidly. The noise and motion of the vibrations are amplified to ten thousand times that of its normality, and it takes me a while to reorient myself after that initial shock. I throw my phone across the fucking room. That got some of my emotion out. I'm not going to retrieve it.

I crawl over to the vicinity of your door and use all my strength, and a coffee table, to heave myself up. I use up the rest of my mind and body to walk back into the room and sit down. Nobody notices I left, but it's okay, you're preoccupied with your own activities. I melt there for a while, energizing myself. You're playing a movie, but I sit there motionless, watching what goes on around me. None of you seem to have a clue what's happening in my mind and body, so you jump up and now want to go outside, ignoring the flashing pictures on the now abandoned tv. You all run down the dimmed stairs and I lag behind, looking at this arduous, threatening task ahead of me. Your stairs beckon me to descend, as the light falls on each step in such a heavenly way. But it should know by now that I'm probably about to have another episode. It obviously doesn't care. I tighten my grip on the stair rail as I take the first step, but upon doing so I lose control and fall under the weight pressing down on my shoulders. I instantly decide to slide myself down the rest of the steps. I arrive at the floor, feeling somewhat nauseated, but I force myself to get up and go outside with the rest of you. You still don't know what's going on.

Your driveway is magical. I want to turn off all of the lights and just lay there, but I'm not going tell you that, so it probably won't happen. But I am gracious to be off my feet once more, so here I am, sprawled on your driveway, bathing myself in the starlight. I feel another fucking attack coming along so I close my eyes and listen to you talk about your bullshit. But then, you all start running toward the lake, so I reluctantly arise and follow. I'm beginning to feel the grains of sand between my feet, and it's calming me down quite a bit. I feel a breeze, and am beginning to get fucking cold. I don't know where you all went, but I see a hand built castle next to the water, so I guess there. I walk over and sure enough, there you are. I'm not listening to what you're talking about, but the tide is calling me out to the water, as is the wind that is encasing my body. Since I'm not really feeling any throes coming along, I get up and stare wistfully out onto the lake. The enchanting part of the city on the other side is reflecting in the water and I want desperately to get in. I slowly take off most of my clothes, after making sure the rest of you are ignorant and occupied. My toe dips into the water first and it's kind of chilly but it warms up as I wade in deeper. This is nice... I'm really enjoying something for the first time in a long time. However, my blissfulness is torn apart in one moment when the pain in my mind rushes back and my muscles start to lock up. My eyes burst open and I'm back in your drive way. I must have fucking dozed off, because now you're looking at me saying I look kind of sick. I reply I'm not, but I would love a glass of water. Fuck.

I prop myself up, but the hurt pushes me back down. I want to go back into that dream, I want to know what happens in the lake. But since that's obviously not going to happen, so when you come back with some water I take my time getting up, but eventually follow you back inside the house where everyone else is waiting. This water isn't as fresh as the lake's. It makes me want to gag. No, it actually is making me gag, which is setting off yet another fucking attack. Now I'm just back at the beginning. You still don't know anything.