A Series of Events

I'm sitting here with an incredible knot in my throat and in my heart. It's interesting how a day's events can put you right back at the first rung of the ladder. It's just an endless fucking cycle of climbing up, only to fall back down.

I feel a slight movement around me, yet I look up to see nothing. But I know it's not nothing. There are too many conflicting energies in the room. I'm still fucking standing here, and I haven't the strength to move any part of my body, so I let myself fall back down onto the floor. My stomach wrenches once more and I'm utterly unable to gather my thoughts. My emotional pain transforms into wretched physical convulsions here on your soft, innocent floor. Finally, I begin to calm down, but a chilling sweat weeps from my face and neck. I'm starting to shiver. All of you are still in the room, without a clue, and here I am on the ground, waiting for some sort of release. Almost on queue, my usually silent phone begins to vibrate rapidly. The noise and motion of the vibrations are amplified to ten thousand times that of its normality, and it takes me a while to reorient myself after that initial shock. I throw my phone across the fucking room. That got some of my emotion out. I'm not going to retrieve it.

I crawl over to the vicinity of your door and use all my strength, and a coffee table, to heave myself up. I use up the rest of my mind and body to walk back into the room and sit down. Nobody notices I left, but it's okay, you're preoccupied with your own activities. I melt there for a while, energizing myself. You're playing a movie, but I sit there motionless, watching what goes on around me. None of you seem to have a clue what's happening in my mind and body, so you jump up and now want to go outside, ignoring the flashing pictures on the now abandoned tv. You all run down the dimmed stairs and I lag behind, looking at this arduous, threatening task ahead of me. Your stairs beckon me to descend, as the light falls on each step in such a heavenly way. But it should know by now that I'm probably about to have another episode. It obviously doesn't care. I tighten my grip on the stair rail as I take the first step, but upon doing so I lose control and fall under the weight pressing down on my shoulders. I instantly decide to slide myself down the rest of the steps. I arrive at the floor, feeling somewhat nauseated, but I force myself to get up and go outside with the rest of you. You still don't know what's going on.

Your driveway is magical. I want to turn off all of the lights and just lay there, but I'm not going tell you that, so it probably won't happen. But I am gracious to be off my feet once more, so here I am, sprawled on your driveway, bathing myself in the starlight. I feel another fucking attack coming along so I close my eyes and listen to you talk about your bullshit. But then, you all start running toward the lake, so I reluctantly arise and follow. I'm beginning to feel the grains of sand between my feet, and it's calming me down quite a bit. I feel a breeze, and am beginning to get fucking cold. I don't know where you all went, but I see a hand built castle next to the water, so I guess there. I walk over and sure enough, there you are. I'm not listening to what you're talking about, but the tide is calling me out to the water, as is the wind that is encasing my body. Since I'm not really feeling any throes coming along, I get up and stare wistfully out onto the lake. The enchanting part of the city on the other side is reflecting in the water and I want desperately to get in. I slowly take off most of my clothes, after making sure the rest of you are ignorant and occupied. My toe dips into the water first and it's kind of chilly but it warms up as I wade in deeper. This is nice... I'm really enjoying something for the first time in a long time. However, my blissfulness is torn apart in one moment when the pain in my mind rushes back and my muscles start to lock up. My eyes burst open and I'm back in your drive way. I must have fucking dozed off, because now you're looking at me saying I look kind of sick. I reply I'm not, but I would love a glass of water. Fuck.

I prop myself up, but the hurt pushes me back down. I want to go back into that dream, I want to know what happens in the lake. But since that's obviously not going to happen, so when you come back with some water I take my time getting up, but eventually follow you back inside the house where everyone else is waiting. This water isn't as fresh as the lake's. It makes me want to gag. No, it actually is making me gag, which is setting off yet another fucking attack. Now I'm just back at the beginning. You still don't know anything.

My Epiphany

I was talking about my experiences to a dear friend the other night, and was letting her in on things I have never told anyone about. Not bad things, just things about me. And upon telling her all this, I figured quite a few things out about myself:

1. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy.
2. There is no one who could possibly imagine what I have felt.
3. When I am sad, it's not really the emotion "sad," it is 100% the emotion "empty."
4. I know exactly who I am.

Furthermore, I enjoy helping people. I realized that's what I should be doing at this very point in time. Well, it's one of the things I should be doing.

Discovering all these aspects to my being, I am a much happier person.

I mentioned quite a large "hole" a few blogs back and I think that I almost completely out of the hole. The task now is to fill all back in what I dug up. It's a lot to fill in, but I believe I'm up to it.

Although, one thing is bothering my conscience. It's not really bothersome, it's just a little aggravating. It's the fact that everyone around me is doing drugs, which in itself does not bother me, until recently now that a friend truly believes and is trying to convince me that drugs are the only way to be happy. I disagree with all of my heart.

My opinion is that we are all here for our souls to find stability, and to experience true happiness. However, it's not a necessity for us to find happiness here. There are many ways you can find happiness, and I actually believe that it is more plausible to find it after transition from this word. Or maybe it's that you find joy.

One of my role models told me once that happiness was short term, in the moment, and joy was the true happy feeling you get forever. I guess that changes everything, so that you can find happiness here on the earth, it is just the true joy that you have to wait for.

The only thing I know about joy is that I have felt it before, but not in this life, in this body. My soul has. The memories rush back.

I have felt a range of so many emotions, it's absolutely incredible. But you have no idea, because they haven't been felt here. I have often been told, even since I was a baby, that I have a very old soul. I guess I never really knew the meaning of that until now. It's nice.

I really wish I could explain all of this better, but I feel phenomenal. Only a handful of people know how I really feel, and even they can't imagine it. My heart feels like it's going to explode with gratitude for myself and my life. I need to fill up my hole with dirt before it sucks me in again and gets bigger.

I got a wonderful feeling everything's gonna be alright. Don't worry about tomorrow, I just want you to stay, so we can make it through another beautiful day.

Sitting here watching you all is what interests me. I see the way you interact with each other, with yourselves, with me. I retreat to being coy, listening, planning the perfect song for the moment. What is it about falling to the shadows that causes everything to amplify in your fucking brain? I hear too much, yet I hear too little. I know you care, but I know you don't care. I feel the beads of sweat popping out of my fucking face and hands, my body becomes overwhelmed with heat. My eyes begin to black out and I have to leave the room before I throw up. You all disgust me.

Leaning against the brick wall in your living room calms me down, while I press my face up against the bitter cold foundation of your house; it's fucking freezing outside. I apologize for using profanity; I tend to do that when I'm overcome with emotion of almost any kind. My emotions and my mind are both running excessively, and I'm not entirely sure if it is in a positive or negative way. I'm angry, but I'm content. I am: I don't know. Either way, my face is still stuck to the wall, so I peel it off and slide down against the massive column. Sitting there for a while calms me down. I should probably muster the strength to enter the room again, although I am desperate not to. Another similar attack possesses my body in the dimmed, deserted room, and I fall over onto my side. The nausea is worse this time, but I get over myself and push everything back down. I get the fuck back up and, with the support of your couch, I look at the door.

Everything is good, everything is bad. Everything is getting better. I'm now shifting everything into the hands of something greater than my miniscule self.

Oh Oh Oh I Got a Feeling.

Love me, love me, oh love me pretty baby.

I feel like you couldn't even imagine. I feel from the past, I remember those emotions. My soul does. I have the feeling in the palm of my hand. I know what I want.

This brings back old memories. But not old as in, a couple years ago. Old as in decades ago. I'm not entirely sure what these memories are, but I feel them. I feel you.

All except one of you don't know what I'm feeling.

You who does, I am waiting for you. You know and I know. We both feel each other, just like the past. The rest of yall? Try to convince me otherwise?

Tell me one thing babe, tell me one thing but I know it ain't true. You can tell me one thing but you know what you're sayin' ain't true.

Back to you pretttttty baby. We're close, closer than before. We just have to find ourselves again. I don't know you in this world, but I know your soul, your energy, and your heart. We're close.

Our journey will go on like this until the end of time.

Ohh ohhhhh ohhhhhhh oh pretty baby.