Tomorrow is the first day of December...

What an eventful month. Lose one, gain one, lose one, gain one.

I don't remember who it was, but someone told me not to worry about relationship problems because every relationship is going to end at sometime or another, no matter what.

My life is so intense right now, I work, I go to school, I experience life with the friends that I love more than they could imagine. Except the school aspect is slipping.

I feel happy, I feel alive, I feel like I know what I want. I also feel like there's a little poisonous plant growing in the pit of my stomach, but if I take the right precautions, I can kill it off now. My life at this point is figuring out what those precautions are so I don't let the poison spread throughout my body.

Additionally, I feel uncomfortable and squemish in my body. My legs are such a burden, I'm so close to just chopping them off.

Wow... I don't know how I would live without my legs.

I do(n't) know what to do with myself!

There is nothing in this world I have wanted more

What does our life consist of? Routine.
We are born, wake up each day, eat, breathe, school, work, sleep. We climb up the ladder through high school, then college, then the work force, then wisdom in our old age.

If we were to truly live, we wouldn't have a set schedule for each day just to make money to live comfortably. More than anything, I'd like to be isolated in a beautiful place to die. There is nothing to live for and there is nothing but ease and rest when we pass. How could the purpose here to be in disease and unrest?

When I say there is nothing to live for, I am referring to ourselves. Not you, whoever you may be, not the government, not the organized religion, not anyone. I know it may be self centered to tell you I am not living for you (although there are some of you that are the reasons I am still alive), but it really comes down to what we have to live for for ourselves, as much as I would not like to say it. I can find no reason, either now or for the future, that is a legitimate reason to keep living.

Do not take this for a suicide note, for it is not. It is just a simple explanation of my thoughts on death. We read a beautiful poem in English about death called Thanatopsis that reinforced the concept of death being natural and peaceful.

Thine individual being, shalt thou go to mix forever with the elements, to be a brother to th' insensible rock and to the sluggish clod, which the rude swain turns with his share, and treads upon. The oak shall send his roots abroad, and pierce thy mould. Yet not to thy eternal resting place shalt thou retire alone--nor couldst thou wish couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down, with patriarchs of the infant world--with kings the powerful of this earth--the wise, the good, fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past, all in one might sepulchre.

There is nothing that could be better than eternal rest and peace.

I finally understand.

I am so in love with you.