My Epiphany

I was talking about my experiences to a dear friend the other night, and was letting her in on things I have never told anyone about. Not bad things, just things about me. And upon telling her all this, I figured quite a few things out about myself:

1. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy.
2. There is no one who could possibly imagine what I have felt.
3. When I am sad, it's not really the emotion "sad," it is 100% the emotion "empty."
4. I know exactly who I am.

Furthermore, I enjoy helping people. I realized that's what I should be doing at this very point in time. Well, it's one of the things I should be doing.

Discovering all these aspects to my being, I am a much happier person.

I mentioned quite a large "hole" a few blogs back and I think that I almost completely out of the hole. The task now is to fill all back in what I dug up. It's a lot to fill in, but I believe I'm up to it.

Although, one thing is bothering my conscience. It's not really bothersome, it's just a little aggravating. It's the fact that everyone around me is doing drugs, which in itself does not bother me, until recently now that a friend truly believes and is trying to convince me that drugs are the only way to be happy. I disagree with all of my heart.

My opinion is that we are all here for our souls to find stability, and to experience true happiness. However, it's not a necessity for us to find happiness here. There are many ways you can find happiness, and I actually believe that it is more plausible to find it after transition from this word. Or maybe it's that you find joy.

One of my role models told me once that happiness was short term, in the moment, and joy was the true happy feeling you get forever. I guess that changes everything, so that you can find happiness here on the earth, it is just the true joy that you have to wait for.

The only thing I know about joy is that I have felt it before, but not in this life, in this body. My soul has. The memories rush back.

I have felt a range of so many emotions, it's absolutely incredible. But you have no idea, because they haven't been felt here. I have often been told, even since I was a baby, that I have a very old soul. I guess I never really knew the meaning of that until now. It's nice.

I really wish I could explain all of this better, but I feel phenomenal. Only a handful of people know how I really feel, and even they can't imagine it. My heart feels like it's going to explode with gratitude for myself and my life. I need to fill up my hole with dirt before it sucks me in again and gets bigger.

I got a wonderful feeling everything's gonna be alright. Don't worry about tomorrow, I just want you to stay, so we can make it through another beautiful day.

Sitting here watching you all is what interests me. I see the way you interact with each other, with yourselves, with me. I retreat to being coy, listening, planning the perfect song for the moment. What is it about falling to the shadows that causes everything to amplify in your fucking brain? I hear too much, yet I hear too little. I know you care, but I know you don't care. I feel the beads of sweat popping out of my fucking face and hands, my body becomes overwhelmed with heat. My eyes begin to black out and I have to leave the room before I throw up. You all disgust me.

Leaning against the brick wall in your living room calms me down, while I press my face up against the bitter cold foundation of your house; it's fucking freezing outside. I apologize for using profanity; I tend to do that when I'm overcome with emotion of almost any kind. My emotions and my mind are both running excessively, and I'm not entirely sure if it is in a positive or negative way. I'm angry, but I'm content. I am: I don't know. Either way, my face is still stuck to the wall, so I peel it off and slide down against the massive column. Sitting there for a while calms me down. I should probably muster the strength to enter the room again, although I am desperate not to. Another similar attack possesses my body in the dimmed, deserted room, and I fall over onto my side. The nausea is worse this time, but I get over myself and push everything back down. I get the fuck back up and, with the support of your couch, I look at the door.

Everything is good, everything is bad. Everything is getting better. I'm now shifting everything into the hands of something greater than my miniscule self.