A Series of Events

I'm sitting here with an incredible knot in my throat and in my heart. It's interesting how a day's events can put you right back at the first rung of the ladder. It's just an endless fucking cycle of climbing up, only to fall back down.

I feel a slight movement around me, yet I look up to see nothing. But I know it's not nothing. There are too many conflicting energies in the room. I'm still fucking standing here, and I haven't the strength to move any part of my body, so I let myself fall back down onto the floor. My stomach wrenches once more and I'm utterly unable to gather my thoughts. My emotional pain transforms into wretched physical convulsions here on your soft, innocent floor. Finally, I begin to calm down, but a chilling sweat weeps from my face and neck. I'm starting to shiver. All of you are still in the room, without a clue, and here I am on the ground, waiting for some sort of release. Almost on queue, my usually silent phone begins to vibrate rapidly. The noise and motion of the vibrations are amplified to ten thousand times that of its normality, and it takes me a while to reorient myself after that initial shock. I throw my phone across the fucking room. That got some of my emotion out. I'm not going to retrieve it.

I crawl over to the vicinity of your door and use all my strength, and a coffee table, to heave myself up. I use up the rest of my mind and body to walk back into the room and sit down. Nobody notices I left, but it's okay, you're preoccupied with your own activities. I melt there for a while, energizing myself. You're playing a movie, but I sit there motionless, watching what goes on around me. None of you seem to have a clue what's happening in my mind and body, so you jump up and now want to go outside, ignoring the flashing pictures on the now abandoned tv. You all run down the dimmed stairs and I lag behind, looking at this arduous, threatening task ahead of me. Your stairs beckon me to descend, as the light falls on each step in such a heavenly way. But it should know by now that I'm probably about to have another episode. It obviously doesn't care. I tighten my grip on the stair rail as I take the first step, but upon doing so I lose control and fall under the weight pressing down on my shoulders. I instantly decide to slide myself down the rest of the steps. I arrive at the floor, feeling somewhat nauseated, but I force myself to get up and go outside with the rest of you. You still don't know what's going on.

Your driveway is magical. I want to turn off all of the lights and just lay there, but I'm not going tell you that, so it probably won't happen. But I am gracious to be off my feet once more, so here I am, sprawled on your driveway, bathing myself in the starlight. I feel another fucking attack coming along so I close my eyes and listen to you talk about your bullshit. But then, you all start running toward the lake, so I reluctantly arise and follow. I'm beginning to feel the grains of sand between my feet, and it's calming me down quite a bit. I feel a breeze, and am beginning to get fucking cold. I don't know where you all went, but I see a hand built castle next to the water, so I guess there. I walk over and sure enough, there you are. I'm not listening to what you're talking about, but the tide is calling me out to the water, as is the wind that is encasing my body. Since I'm not really feeling any throes coming along, I get up and stare wistfully out onto the lake. The enchanting part of the city on the other side is reflecting in the water and I want desperately to get in. I slowly take off most of my clothes, after making sure the rest of you are ignorant and occupied. My toe dips into the water first and it's kind of chilly but it warms up as I wade in deeper. This is nice... I'm really enjoying something for the first time in a long time. However, my blissfulness is torn apart in one moment when the pain in my mind rushes back and my muscles start to lock up. My eyes burst open and I'm back in your drive way. I must have fucking dozed off, because now you're looking at me saying I look kind of sick. I reply I'm not, but I would love a glass of water. Fuck.

I prop myself up, but the hurt pushes me back down. I want to go back into that dream, I want to know what happens in the lake. But since that's obviously not going to happen, so when you come back with some water I take my time getting up, but eventually follow you back inside the house where everyone else is waiting. This water isn't as fresh as the lake's. It makes me want to gag. No, it actually is making me gag, which is setting off yet another fucking attack. Now I'm just back at the beginning. You still don't know anything.

My Epiphany

I was talking about my experiences to a dear friend the other night, and was letting her in on things I have never told anyone about. Not bad things, just things about me. And upon telling her all this, I figured quite a few things out about myself:

1. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy.
2. There is no one who could possibly imagine what I have felt.
3. When I am sad, it's not really the emotion "sad," it is 100% the emotion "empty."
4. I know exactly who I am.

Furthermore, I enjoy helping people. I realized that's what I should be doing at this very point in time. Well, it's one of the things I should be doing.

Discovering all these aspects to my being, I am a much happier person.

I mentioned quite a large "hole" a few blogs back and I think that I almost completely out of the hole. The task now is to fill all back in what I dug up. It's a lot to fill in, but I believe I'm up to it.

Although, one thing is bothering my conscience. It's not really bothersome, it's just a little aggravating. It's the fact that everyone around me is doing drugs, which in itself does not bother me, until recently now that a friend truly believes and is trying to convince me that drugs are the only way to be happy. I disagree with all of my heart.

My opinion is that we are all here for our souls to find stability, and to experience true happiness. However, it's not a necessity for us to find happiness here. There are many ways you can find happiness, and I actually believe that it is more plausible to find it after transition from this word. Or maybe it's that you find joy.

One of my role models told me once that happiness was short term, in the moment, and joy was the true happy feeling you get forever. I guess that changes everything, so that you can find happiness here on the earth, it is just the true joy that you have to wait for.

The only thing I know about joy is that I have felt it before, but not in this life, in this body. My soul has. The memories rush back.

I have felt a range of so many emotions, it's absolutely incredible. But you have no idea, because they haven't been felt here. I have often been told, even since I was a baby, that I have a very old soul. I guess I never really knew the meaning of that until now. It's nice.

I really wish I could explain all of this better, but I feel phenomenal. Only a handful of people know how I really feel, and even they can't imagine it. My heart feels like it's going to explode with gratitude for myself and my life. I need to fill up my hole with dirt before it sucks me in again and gets bigger.

I got a wonderful feeling everything's gonna be alright. Don't worry about tomorrow, I just want you to stay, so we can make it through another beautiful day.

Sitting here watching you all is what interests me. I see the way you interact with each other, with yourselves, with me. I retreat to being coy, listening, planning the perfect song for the moment. What is it about falling to the shadows that causes everything to amplify in your fucking brain? I hear too much, yet I hear too little. I know you care, but I know you don't care. I feel the beads of sweat popping out of my fucking face and hands, my body becomes overwhelmed with heat. My eyes begin to black out and I have to leave the room before I throw up. You all disgust me.

Leaning against the brick wall in your living room calms me down, while I press my face up against the bitter cold foundation of your house; it's fucking freezing outside. I apologize for using profanity; I tend to do that when I'm overcome with emotion of almost any kind. My emotions and my mind are both running excessively, and I'm not entirely sure if it is in a positive or negative way. I'm angry, but I'm content. I am: I don't know. Either way, my face is still stuck to the wall, so I peel it off and slide down against the massive column. Sitting there for a while calms me down. I should probably muster the strength to enter the room again, although I am desperate not to. Another similar attack possesses my body in the dimmed, deserted room, and I fall over onto my side. The nausea is worse this time, but I get over myself and push everything back down. I get the fuck back up and, with the support of your couch, I look at the door.

Everything is good, everything is bad. Everything is getting better. I'm now shifting everything into the hands of something greater than my miniscule self.

Oh Oh Oh I Got a Feeling.

Love me, love me, oh love me pretty baby.

I feel like you couldn't even imagine. I feel from the past, I remember those emotions. My soul does. I have the feeling in the palm of my hand. I know what I want.

This brings back old memories. But not old as in, a couple years ago. Old as in decades ago. I'm not entirely sure what these memories are, but I feel them. I feel you.

All except one of you don't know what I'm feeling.

You who does, I am waiting for you. You know and I know. We both feel each other, just like the past. The rest of yall? Try to convince me otherwise?

Tell me one thing babe, tell me one thing but I know it ain't true. You can tell me one thing but you know what you're sayin' ain't true.

Back to you pretttttty baby. We're close, closer than before. We just have to find ourselves again. I don't know you in this world, but I know your soul, your energy, and your heart. We're close.

Our journey will go on like this until the end of time.

Ohh ohhhhh ohhhhhhh oh pretty baby.

In regards to

That hole?

I think I actually got my legs out of it.

And maybe my hands as well.

Progress.

Nostalgia

Definition: Bittersweet longing.

Where does it come into play?

I finally recognized it as my root emotion for the past six months. Actually, probably a lot longer than that.

But anyway, all of my other futile attempts to identify this emotion have failed miserably.

What am I nostalgic for?
For a change? For a chance to prove to you who I am? For a chance for you to prove to me that life is worth living?

Who are you?

I don't know you yet. I don't know if I'll know you in this life time. But I know I'll know you. I've felt you before. In those sublime moments, that are actually happening increasingly, where I can actually feel you entering my heart, and searching for me. Searching for where I might possibly be. I know you feel the same. I know you feel it.

It's almost as if, when I feel you in my soul, I feel iridescent. I'm not entirely sure how one can feel iridescent, but it is the first word that pops into my scrambled thoughts if I was to be asked what emotion I feel when you're there.

Damnit, I still don't know who you are.

We'll cross our paths. Even if it does happen to be atop a mountain, our heads in the clouds, the grass so fresh the scent settles in your mouth, the daisies so happy they are jumping up and down, and our minds so impregnated with light, knowledge, and happiness, the rays and auras we emit are just as beautiful through the clouds as the sun is.

Let's ascend the mountain.

Untitled Emotion

I'm really feeling at the moment like I'm being severely compressed into myself. Ask me why, I do not know. It comes and goes. I go in and out.

But mostly out.

These are the times where I think about much, and listen. I listen to you talk, love, and hate. I listen to your bland imaginations ramble on about your petty relationship problems or your latest drug addiction. Or your fantastic relationship experiences.

My mind always has background music of the blues. I'm always humming a tune. It detatches me from the ignorance of the rest of you. Which is good.

Too bad lately it hasn't been working and I start to think. I have now detatched myself from my life and that is difficult to put back together. I'm in a position at the moment where I have sunk so far down under that I can hear absolutely nothing. Picture this: Setting; outside, warm, sunny day. You're walking along and you see a flower. You bend down to pick it up but it disappears between your fingers. "Where did it go?" You ask yourself. "I seriously almost had it." So you sit, and you pluck at the grass until a nice little hole begins to form. You back away as the hole in the dirt starts to grow, however you cannot successfully get away. The hole sucks you in. It isn't deep, but its cool dirt is holding you from getting up. So you lay there, staring up at the sun and the insects that glare at you as they pass by. People also try to talk to you, and you hear them but do not respond. You're stuck and are going to have an arduous task getting yourself out.

I am in a hole.

And I am beginning to like the idea of not getting back up, just to fall in again.

It's interesting though, how my mind works. When I am in this state, I think mostly about what life is, and why I am here enduring all of this. I asked a dear friend for his opinion on life, and he told me it was all about balance. Balancing yourself out. Reaching the equilibrium of your body, mind, and soul. A sort of Nirvana here on earth, if you will.

Oh, but Erika! We are surely on this planet to find love and happiness. That's just a part of balancing out your emotions and events in your life. I've never experienced love, but that doesn't mean I haven't loved. There are more types of love than the construed soul mate of your life. I have definitely loved in other ways. Although it has been a long time since I have felt true happiness. We'll see. There are various ways to balance our your soul and your life. Don't wait for the world to balance it out for you. Be the change you want to see. Be the balance. Don't let the Universe suck you dry; you feed off the Universe because it has an interesting way of feeding people.

I should listen to my own advice.

Feed me your love, feed me your hate, feed me your emotions. Show me your true power, I'll see if I can let mine loose.

Tell me what it is we're here for. Give me a reason to keep getting up in the morning and maybe I'll consider pulling myself out of my comfortable little burrow.

What do I think of the Universe?

I often indulge myself into extreme thoughts of this world. Why is it that we, humans, do the things we do? It actually doesn't have to be limited to humans at all. Why is it anything does what it does? There are so many possibilities of what this world could actually be, of what we could actually be. And I am going to seriously cultivate these possibilities forming in my imagination.

First of all, to satisfy the scientologists, the world could surely be just as it seems. Maybe Thomas Hobbes was correct in his "what you see is what you get" materialism theory. The world could be something along the lines of, "Hey, this is a plant. It is a plant, a plant, and nothing but a plant. Ditto for the rock." Although my own spiritual beliefs quickly reject this philosophy, you never know. It could definitely make life a whole lot easier if what we see in this world was black or white. However, these sharply defined lines wouldn't give us room to conceive or create higher level thoughts as we wished, which is why I highly dismiss this theory.

On a more celestial level, the earth, and especially this universe, have been around longer than our incompetent little minds could ever comprehend. As much as you'd like to think you know, you don't know how anything was created. Sure it could have been the Big Bang theory, God could have created all, or everything could have just appeared. But possibly try to imagine what could have existed before the very first star or planet. Where does that put our little cell of the Universe earth? Probably nowhere. We honestly probably don't mean anything. Our wars, our lives, our bodies, and all of our possessions are beyond insignificant in the place of this vast Universe. This world could mean absolutely nothing at all. The only thing, I believe, that has any actual power whatsoever is our thoughts. The only reason we are put here is to nourish our thoughts and knowledge for something in the very distant future. I think it is highly possible that our soul is our thoughts instead of the commonly connotated spirit of the heart, even though it could play a small part. Our bodies and world are 110% dispensable and used only for the purpose of creating a proper learning environment for higher understanding.

Now, on the other hand, the earth could be an experiment. A much higher power could be watching, studying us. Maybe it's not a higher power, but it is definitely something with much more intelligence than us. I'm not pointing fingers directly to the image we as a race have of "aliens," but with this theory that is imminently the way to describe it. There is also a 99% chance that if this was a correct assumption, we would be an experiment because we lack the serious intellect that would be needed to be anything other than an experiment. For example, in Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five, Billy Pilgrim is captured by the Tralfamadorians, who have extremely advanced minds, and he is taken to their home planet. This is where he is displayed for months in a zoo. I'm not the only one to think of our world and race as an experiment. Thank you, Kurt Vonnegut, for your support.

Very obviously, our little Milky Way galaxy isn't the only galaxy in the Universe. So, in theory, there could be billions of other Universes out there as well. I like to think of it as whatever higher power there is has our Universe on a table in a glass. The other Universes are on the same table but in different glasses. You all know what a parallel Universe is. I'm sure that our Universe isn't in a glass, but that is just a visual representation of what it could be like. It makes me wonder what fills the space between Universes. If a parallel Universe was so, everything we say and do could have been carefully planned and thought out some place else. Maybe in a different dimension. Each Universe could possibly be a different dimension, this just happens to be the third. Of course, we don't know how to do this, but other things from other dimensions could technically weave in and out of our world as they wished. They could show parts of themselves and other parts they could hide. They could basically do whatever they wanted. But then if you think about it, our minds are powerful enough to go to any dimension we wished. It wouldn't be while we were conscious, so in our dreams we would be able to come and go from this world as we pleased. Anything is plausible.

We only use 10% of our mind's potential power anyway, so I'm thinking that when we sleep and dream, we could use more of that. I also believe that serious drugs and hallucinogens stimulate your brain so that it uses more than 10%. I'm not saying you should do drugs to stimulate your thoughts, but I am saying that the images you see while on LSD or something could potentially be your mind working at a higher level. It creates chemical reactions in your brain that it is not used to, which causes it to go places it has not ever before. Using drugs like this would probably put 14% or 15% of your mind to use. Think of how different the world would be if everyone used even 25% of their minds. Maybe in the next couple worlds we journey through, the percentage of the mind we use will steadily increase.

There is so much on our planet of religion, the earliest of people had a God they worshipped, and it has been that way ever since the existence of man. The million dollar question is, however, which religion is the correct one? You might say Catholic, Jewish, Islam. I say all are correct. Each religion has their fallacies, but each religion has their own idea of God or a higher Divine Spirit. This "God" created the planets and universe, you live on this particular planet, and then something happens after you die (I'm excluding Atheism, since it is basically the lack of religion). You don't have to believe in God, you don't have to believe in anything. But I think this is where the Law of Attraction comes into its most seriously play. What you think is reflected in your actions. If you are Catholic and believe that if you do not get to go to Heaven unless you repent all of your sins, then that is what is going to happen to you. If you are spiritual and believe that Death is just the beginning of a higher journey, that is what is going to happen. If you are Atheist and believe nothing will happen, nothing will happen. The Secret describes the Universe as a genie with, "Your wish is my command." I think that accurately describes religion. This world and your life could have been created by a God, or not, but whatever you believe is what you get.

On a much higher level of thinking, this might not even be our real life at all. What if this was just a pre- or post-life. Our lives on this earth could just be preparing us for something much greater to come. Well, I'm positive that this is just preparing us for an "afterlife." But, it wouldn't really be an afterlife if the world we live in now is a pre-life. Try to imagine what your real life would be like if this was just a prelude. On the flip side, it could be a post-life. This is where we go after we die in our previous life, a sort of purgatory, if you will. Think of your journey, although you don't know where it starts, as going through a multi-story mansion. You start at the bottom, and in my opinion the bottom isn't your life on this planet, and work your way up. The earth is most definitely not the top story either. It probably isn't even close. The question here is, what is on the top story? I don't know, you don't know, maybe it never ends. We'll just have to see when we get there, because the end of this life is not the end of your journey.

The only logical conclusion I have drawn is the fact that there are multiple levels of worlds you go through, and this insignificant planet is just a temporary home for spiritual growth. You don't have to agree with me, and most of you probably will not. But I conceived this idea and in my mind, if you can conceive it, it is possible. Descartes thought same way. He believed that if we imperfect beings could imagine a perfect God, then he must exist. I am not perfect, I imagined these theories, therefore they could exist. It's all perception of what you see in the Universe and how you want to transcend through your journey. You choose.