Follow me, then, to the roads of gold and the rivers of platinum.
The water can rush over our faces as we bathe in the moonlight.
I have never heard this voice in me before.
I have never felt this voice before.
It can change all the background noise that consumes our ignorant souls.
Hear the silence for once and let it flow in and out.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
It was the saddest moment of my Life.
I walked into the room with small difficulty, my elevation was not normal and I had trouble walking and keeping my balance. The old, fragile woman resting in a chair set her gentle eyes upon me as I scuffled by. The task made me uneasy.
Although I sat agog anyway, and burrowed myself into the cold, uncomfortable chair. The atonal music soothed my absent mind. The jacket engulfed me.
That is when I glanced up to see the windows and wondered who was on the other side. I could feel the presence behind the red tint but couldn't see it. I heard everything that was going on.
I sat in a trance in the hall, the giant pipe organ silently intruded into my space. What is beyond those windows in that parallel life? What do those masses of energy believe in? Yet another simplified form of connection and faith (god)? Another facade of consciousness? The only problem is the differences in belief, the changes in illusion.
It was the saddest moment of my life.
Although I sat agog anyway, and burrowed myself into the cold, uncomfortable chair. The atonal music soothed my absent mind. The jacket engulfed me.
That is when I glanced up to see the windows and wondered who was on the other side. I could feel the presence behind the red tint but couldn't see it. I heard everything that was going on.
I sat in a trance in the hall, the giant pipe organ silently intruded into my space. What is beyond those windows in that parallel life? What do those masses of energy believe in? Yet another simplified form of connection and faith (god)? Another facade of consciousness? The only problem is the differences in belief, the changes in illusion.
It was the saddest moment of my life.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The Moon Fell Away
I watched the sliver of a moon fade away tonight. Resting among the deep, dark clouds from the hurricane, I watched it transform itself into the effulgence of the sky. I observed as it seemed our sublunary earth started to spin faster than anyone has felt previously. Driving along the stretch of road was not the issue, the horizon ran away from me faster and faster.
The clouds circled around us in anticipation for the rain that probably isn't to come. The wind hit my face hard and I felt a myriad of emotions.
The moon was still falling away in dust. The star straggled behind. This was the end of those peaceful, aestival nights.
The clouds circled around us in anticipation for the rain that probably isn't to come. The wind hit my face hard and I felt a myriad of emotions.
The moon was still falling away in dust. The star straggled behind. This was the end of those peaceful, aestival nights.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Because of the Peanut
You haven't been here in a while, but you're always here. The red dust that trails behind everywhere you go reminds you where you always are. You're sitting on the roof of the world and notice tiny little cracks in the ground have begun to appear. The rain hasn't fallen in months. At least not in this spot.
The rain shifts, yet it is not rain. Dollops of water are released from the cloudless sky every moment. There is no humidity. There is no source. There is always a paradox of activity from the motionless and endless ceiling. When you first discovered this wonderland, the nonstop flow was a phenomenon.
Now, as you are sitting here rolling the layers of burnt sienna over your ankles, the instant moisture is aggravating. It is nearing, and you are going to have to get up.
You are being and lifting yourself from this spot is not what you want to be. The dirt is being with you. The dirt that is and always has been. The dirt that is fresh to your fingertips. But being is not worrying, and you are worrying about the water. Being in worry, you are not being. Be the dirt. Be the air and the lack of humidity. A drop over there.
See the place you cut the paper thin and rubber thick air over there? Remember the box that seven and a half foot clown handed you? What was in that box... a peanut you believe. What the hell are you going to use a peanut for? A peanut is not even a nut. It is a pea. A drop over here.
The rain shifts, yet it is not rain. Dollops of water are released from the cloudless sky every moment. There is no humidity. There is no source. There is always a paradox of activity from the motionless and endless ceiling. When you first discovered this wonderland, the nonstop flow was a phenomenon.
Now, as you are sitting here rolling the layers of burnt sienna over your ankles, the instant moisture is aggravating. It is nearing, and you are going to have to get up.
You are being and lifting yourself from this spot is not what you want to be. The dirt is being with you. The dirt that is and always has been. The dirt that is fresh to your fingertips. But being is not worrying, and you are worrying about the water. Being in worry, you are not being. Be the dirt. Be the air and the lack of humidity. A drop over there.
See the place you cut the paper thin and rubber thick air over there? Remember the box that seven and a half foot clown handed you? What was in that box... a peanut you believe. What the hell are you going to use a peanut for? A peanut is not even a nut. It is a pea. A drop over here.
You fall back through the tough slit of air holding this antiquated cardboard box. Peak in, what is here? Quick, look away! It could be harmful to your eyes. You begin to put your hand under the lid of the box. It could be harmful to your hand. Rather your hand than eye. Your almost useless appendages feel nothing but the box. Run your hand along the bottom. Something small and rough is there. Chance it, flip off the lid. A peanut. It is a peanut. Fall. Over. Crawl. To. A. New. Area. Bury. Peanut. Under. Ground. F.O.C.T.A.N.A.B.P.U.G. That should go with you when you leave this place. Never are you leaving this place.
Where was that peanut buried? You attatched it to your body and transported it somewhere. Was it the opposite direction of the burrow home you have made for yourself? It is interesting that you even made a burrow. There are no hawks or snakes here. And rain only in a specific location at a time. A drop on your hand.
Now you know why. In being you have mindlessly burrowed yourself under the dusty red surface. Just your face remains uncovered, but you know better than that. Although there is no wind, the not quite earth smooths over the tip of your nose, immersing you in the land. The music is muffled now. You can hear a couple drops impact a couple inches from your ear.
The dry, dynamic storm begins. The huge water droplets hit the earth above you and soak down into your skin. One on your left foot, your right thigh, your hip, your breast, your neck, and your forehead. You feel something generating in your stomach and another crawling back up your throat. Nothing to eat in months. Open your mouth to suck the air you don't need. The dirt piles in. The mass coming up through your body enters your mouth and sets in between your teeth.
Let your chthonic body sink and shut down all of your senses. Keep your ears open. Hear the susurrus of the ground moving around. But it stops moving around you and starts shaking inside your mouth. Silky, stringy substance starts to twist around your teeth and tongue and a force pulls your teeth upward. It is tension, but this force doesn't want your teeth to come out so you let it be. A thin, cylindrical form starts to move up and out of your mouth. It pushes up toward the near surface and breaks through. A pause. Drain your body. Energy into the mass. The stalk shoots up and you become lackadaisical. A tooth slides off.
The huge clusters of water are frozen in the air as the now muddy mess slides off your face. The sun is warm on your lifeless body. This empowers you. Sit up and hit your head on a blob of water. Take a bite. The rain stretches out, but you eventually break it off with your teeth, one now missing. All that was taken from your body has now been returned, and you are back to your normal, effulgent state.
The stalk that emerged from your own body is now spread out a couple feet away from your body. It is a plant. You watch as bramches grow from the body. A bud appears. You wait in anxiety to know what will appear. The protective coverings peel back and you see a tiny, tan speck. It grows.
It is a peanut.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Simply Unimaginable
Unimaginable for me? For you? For who? What is unimaginable?
You know, I do not.
I know, you do not.
When I walk down the hallway I take in through my nose what I should be taking in through my fingertips. I taste what I should be using my eyes for. I hear down to the artificial heartbeat what should be inhaled and touching my tongue.
There is not much reality that lives in my mind at the moment. And unfortunately, there is none of my mind that lives in reality. I seem to have entangled myself into an almost easily avoidable crunch of the universe. Not to say I am discontent, because that would be a lie. My thoughts just rest on other people, places, and things than the ones I have previously known.
We all gauge our lives based on a single set of feelings and emotions. Happy = positive; sad = negative. But what about the emotions that fall under other categories? The ones where you ask me how I am feeling and I plainly just do not know. Then you inquire as to how I could not know. I wonder how my reasoning is beyond you.
I want to explore a whole new level of feeling, I am sick of feeling either happy or sad. They are incredibly empty emotions. I feel almost like we, as a society, stereotype ourselves with emotional words. I have found for myself that when I generalize my feelings, I feel more discontent, for lack of a better word. When I specify down to the button what is going through my mind, I feel very content. For instance, when I am upset, identifying my exact emotion and why it is there is what makes me feel instantly better. On the other hand, if I am happy and don't necessarily know how to describe it, I kind of bring myself down.
I think for once we shouldn't have to ground ourselves and instead embrace everything we feel, whether or not it is familiar. Know that what your mind and soul want you hold in your presence is always for the better, whether you connotate it to be a positive or negative emotion.
There will be a part two to this.
You know, I do not.
I know, you do not.
When I walk down the hallway I take in through my nose what I should be taking in through my fingertips. I taste what I should be using my eyes for. I hear down to the artificial heartbeat what should be inhaled and touching my tongue.
There is not much reality that lives in my mind at the moment. And unfortunately, there is none of my mind that lives in reality. I seem to have entangled myself into an almost easily avoidable crunch of the universe. Not to say I am discontent, because that would be a lie. My thoughts just rest on other people, places, and things than the ones I have previously known.
We all gauge our lives based on a single set of feelings and emotions. Happy = positive; sad = negative. But what about the emotions that fall under other categories? The ones where you ask me how I am feeling and I plainly just do not know. Then you inquire as to how I could not know. I wonder how my reasoning is beyond you.
I want to explore a whole new level of feeling, I am sick of feeling either happy or sad. They are incredibly empty emotions. I feel almost like we, as a society, stereotype ourselves with emotional words. I have found for myself that when I generalize my feelings, I feel more discontent, for lack of a better word. When I specify down to the button what is going through my mind, I feel very content. For instance, when I am upset, identifying my exact emotion and why it is there is what makes me feel instantly better. On the other hand, if I am happy and don't necessarily know how to describe it, I kind of bring myself down.
I think for once we shouldn't have to ground ourselves and instead embrace everything we feel, whether or not it is familiar. Know that what your mind and soul want you hold in your presence is always for the better, whether you connotate it to be a positive or negative emotion.
There will be a part two to this.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Processing the Past
This past week I had an interesting, upsetting, nostalgic, yet wonderful experience. I am trying to process it all. Half of the time I feel upset, then the other half I am reminding myself that everything that happened was Divine order.
When I walked into the room, I had never felt a greater energy. Almost midnight, I stared at the off-white ceiling for thirty minutes. The lights reflected gold.
When I walked into the room, I had never felt a greater energy. Almost midnight, I stared at the off-white ceiling for thirty minutes. The lights reflected gold.
This is the year you are glad to live.
This is the year you have much to give.
Live to bless.
Wonderful, wonderful, fortunate you.
This is the year that your dreams come true.
The old book of song guided me to the numberless page. I accepted gratefully, overwhelmed with an unidentified emotion.
Darkness has vanished,
Light is shining clear.
Truth's glorious message makes the glad earth free.
Shine in my soul, fill me with life and light.
The silence is so overpowering I have become dizzy. I have never felt a presence as strong as I do in this room. I see this sugar ant climbing through the folds of my jacket; I bless you. In a world where all else is dark, I have found a light in this one moment. I can see the energy moving through out the entire room and travelling into my soul. What an experience.
I feel your light touch and my heart races.
I heard the voice of an angel. I felt the emotions of an angel. I looked into the eyes of an angel. An angel.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Description of my Current Emotion
Imagine lying on an emormous plateau and the sky is so blue it appears white. The weather is so warm, but there are no droplets of sweat rolling down your forehead. There is nothing in particular you really want to do, but lethargy is the emotion furthest from what you are feeling. You feel alive, alert, and almost invincible. You could jump off the cliff only to float down and land peacefully on your feet.
If any one else was present on the plateau, this feeling would instantly dissolve.
You feel very plain, almost 2-D. You can play in the dirt but it doesn't get you dirty. It's almost like a circus with no tents, clowns, canons, fireworks, candy, fire-breathers, or tight rope walkers. The music is raging in your head, but not in an angry way. The music is 2-D as well.
Everything is heart warming in the most independent way possible. It's not a Christmas time heart warming. It's a barren heart warming. The feeling you acquire when you realize you're tired of having people in general in your life.
Breathe in the dirt. Don't be afraid.
Stand at the edge of the plateau because there is no wind. Even if you fell it would be okay because the burnt orange surroundings will help you slide down. Scratches and bruises are nonexistant. Kick a rock over and count how many seconds until it hits the ground.
This isn't boredom, this is fusion to the surroundings.
The 2-D music comes back as if it is being played by a loudspeaker all over the desert. The sound waves become visible, so stop swimming in the dirt and watch the vibrations bounce off the clouds because they are imminently going to come and rustle your hair. When it does, time is going to slow down, as is the heat. You'll be able to slice the air open!
It's happening! Get out your safety scissors!
Jab your scissors into the air and cut a little slit. The air is kind of hard to push open, it sort of feels like a rubber and gelatin mix. Everything seems to be melting. Oooh you wonder what happens when you stick your head through the curtain of air. Poke through! First the tip of your nose. Take a whiff. Smells like... heat, the same as the side containing the rest of your body. Stick your tongue out now and taste the thick atmosphere on the other side. Tastes like... heat. Alright, muster up the courage to peek in.
Holy shit! It's a real Circus!
You don't know if you want to handle all of that. You were in such a comfortable place on your vast plateau. Sit in the dirt and think about it. Get up and tuck your scissors in your pants for safe keeping, and burst through the rip in the air. A seven and a half foot tall clown hands you a box and assists you in manuvering a sloppy cartwheel. That was weird and uncomfortable.
Maybe you should come back to the Circus another day. Now return to your oven of populous solitude and busy yourself with playing in the dirt again!
If any one else was present on the plateau, this feeling would instantly dissolve.
You feel very plain, almost 2-D. You can play in the dirt but it doesn't get you dirty. It's almost like a circus with no tents, clowns, canons, fireworks, candy, fire-breathers, or tight rope walkers. The music is raging in your head, but not in an angry way. The music is 2-D as well.
Everything is heart warming in the most independent way possible. It's not a Christmas time heart warming. It's a barren heart warming. The feeling you acquire when you realize you're tired of having people in general in your life.
Breathe in the dirt. Don't be afraid.
Stand at the edge of the plateau because there is no wind. Even if you fell it would be okay because the burnt orange surroundings will help you slide down. Scratches and bruises are nonexistant. Kick a rock over and count how many seconds until it hits the ground.
This isn't boredom, this is fusion to the surroundings.
The 2-D music comes back as if it is being played by a loudspeaker all over the desert. The sound waves become visible, so stop swimming in the dirt and watch the vibrations bounce off the clouds because they are imminently going to come and rustle your hair. When it does, time is going to slow down, as is the heat. You'll be able to slice the air open!
It's happening! Get out your safety scissors!
Jab your scissors into the air and cut a little slit. The air is kind of hard to push open, it sort of feels like a rubber and gelatin mix. Everything seems to be melting. Oooh you wonder what happens when you stick your head through the curtain of air. Poke through! First the tip of your nose. Take a whiff. Smells like... heat, the same as the side containing the rest of your body. Stick your tongue out now and taste the thick atmosphere on the other side. Tastes like... heat. Alright, muster up the courage to peek in.
Holy shit! It's a real Circus!
You don't know if you want to handle all of that. You were in such a comfortable place on your vast plateau. Sit in the dirt and think about it. Get up and tuck your scissors in your pants for safe keeping, and burst through the rip in the air. A seven and a half foot tall clown hands you a box and assists you in manuvering a sloppy cartwheel. That was weird and uncomfortable.
Maybe you should come back to the Circus another day. Now return to your oven of populous solitude and busy yourself with playing in the dirt again!
Rejuvenation!
I feel so good. I feel so unlike I ever have before. It's a carefree feeling. I focus even further on my studies than you would ever know. A very select few of you matter to me anymore. All others have corrupt themselves with the extreme impurities of the world. And you know what? I don't care anymore.
I used to.
I used to care about my own impurities. Although I rather think the correct word would be "imperfections." Well I don't think it was so much that I cared about them. I liked them a little bit. I just judged myself too harshly. (And I still do.)
I do and I also do not know why I feel differently now. I do know that I feel better because I stopped caring about most things in life, except my own faith. I do not know why I do not care. I am almost ashamed that I don't care anymore. But not really.
Regardless, I feel so fresh now. I wake up to the natural shaded light and just lay there without a fear or a worry or a thought even. Just feeling. Feeling everything around me, especially the sun's rays. I like to feel. I just wish I knew how to put my "feelings" into a word.
This is good. I like me.
I used to.
I used to care about my own impurities. Although I rather think the correct word would be "imperfections." Well I don't think it was so much that I cared about them. I liked them a little bit. I just judged myself too harshly. (And I still do.)
I do and I also do not know why I feel differently now. I do know that I feel better because I stopped caring about most things in life, except my own faith. I do not know why I do not care. I am almost ashamed that I don't care anymore. But not really.
Regardless, I feel so fresh now. I wake up to the natural shaded light and just lay there without a fear or a worry or a thought even. Just feeling. Feeling everything around me, especially the sun's rays. I like to feel. I just wish I knew how to put my "feelings" into a word.
This is good. I like me.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Flooding
It's as if everything everyone has ever felt is now bubbling up and brimming over the top. It really felt as if I was in a dream.
But you pinched me to let me know I was not.
I just felt the raw dirt and concrete dust mixed in with the dried and fresh salt of my own tears that had been locked up so long. The dirt doesn't scare me.
Everything I have been feeling for the past two months has been let out and I feel myself being relieved of everything.
This is the beginning of a new era. Everything is changing, like it always does. The everyday changes usually go by unnoticed. The thoughts occuring in each mind each second validate that. If you haven't realized by now, each thought is a change.
I have thought a lot about that picture with a person sitting holding a sign saying, "Keep your coins, I want change." I think this is absurd. I've spent too much of my life waiting for the change to come to me. Hah, "too much of my life." I'm so young. We are all so young.
Want your life to change? Change your thoughts.
Up for the challenge?
But you pinched me to let me know I was not.
I just felt the raw dirt and concrete dust mixed in with the dried and fresh salt of my own tears that had been locked up so long. The dirt doesn't scare me.
Everything I have been feeling for the past two months has been let out and I feel myself being relieved of everything.
This is the beginning of a new era. Everything is changing, like it always does. The everyday changes usually go by unnoticed. The thoughts occuring in each mind each second validate that. If you haven't realized by now, each thought is a change.
I have thought a lot about that picture with a person sitting holding a sign saying, "Keep your coins, I want change." I think this is absurd. I've spent too much of my life waiting for the change to come to me. Hah, "too much of my life." I'm so young. We are all so young.
Want your life to change? Change your thoughts.
Up for the challenge?
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Tough.
Again, it starts off with me sitting here listening to the rest of you talk. But this time we're lazily sprawled on the grass. This grass isn't soft, and it's trying to penetrate my skin. Not like I'm going to let it. You're not as harsh as you think you are, grass. The rest of you are all complaining, inquiring as to why the hell I would want to sit here, and the bugs are annoying you. I block out your meaningless words. I like the grass, I like that it's not a fucking feather in a pillowcase.
Days later, I've dropped into my own little sort of fantasy world. I don't feel anymore, and I kind of like it. I'm not so sure where I'm going anymore, and I don't even know how to get to my nonexistent destination. I see my face getting softer and softer each day, yet I notice my features are becoming sharper than ever.
I feel like it's only a matter of time until our souls fall into the light and into the inexplicable bliss I know we have both felt before.
I feel like I've been able to sense your presence. I don't know who you are, but I know when you're near.
Days later, I've dropped into my own little sort of fantasy world. I don't feel anymore, and I kind of like it. I'm not so sure where I'm going anymore, and I don't even know how to get to my nonexistent destination. I see my face getting softer and softer each day, yet I notice my features are becoming sharper than ever.
I feel like it's only a matter of time until our souls fall into the light and into the inexplicable bliss I know we have both felt before.
I feel like I've been able to sense your presence. I don't know who you are, but I know when you're near.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
A Series of Events
I'm sitting here with an incredible knot in my throat and in my heart. It's interesting how a day's events can put you right back at the first rung of the ladder. It's just an endless fucking cycle of climbing up, only to fall back down.
I feel a slight movement around me, yet I look up to see nothing. But I know it's not nothing. There are too many conflicting energies in the room. I'm still fucking standing here, and I haven't the strength to move any part of my body, so I let myself fall back down onto the floor. My stomach wrenches once more and I'm utterly unable to gather my thoughts. My emotional pain transforms into wretched physical convulsions here on your soft, innocent floor. Finally, I begin to calm down, but a chilling sweat weeps from my face and neck. I'm starting to shiver. All of you are still in the room, without a clue, and here I am on the ground, waiting for some sort of release. Almost on queue, my usually silent phone begins to vibrate rapidly. The noise and motion of the vibrations are amplified to ten thousand times that of its normality, and it takes me a while to reorient myself after that initial shock. I throw my phone across the fucking room. That got some of my emotion out. I'm not going to retrieve it.
I crawl over to the vicinity of your door and use all my strength, and a coffee table, to heave myself up. I use up the rest of my mind and body to walk back into the room and sit down. Nobody notices I left, but it's okay, you're preoccupied with your own activities. I melt there for a while, energizing myself. You're playing a movie, but I sit there motionless, watching what goes on around me. None of you seem to have a clue what's happening in my mind and body, so you jump up and now want to go outside, ignoring the flashing pictures on the now abandoned tv. You all run down the dimmed stairs and I lag behind, looking at this arduous, threatening task ahead of me. Your stairs beckon me to descend, as the light falls on each step in such a heavenly way. But it should know by now that I'm probably about to have another episode. It obviously doesn't care. I tighten my grip on the stair rail as I take the first step, but upon doing so I lose control and fall under the weight pressing down on my shoulders. I instantly decide to slide myself down the rest of the steps. I arrive at the floor, feeling somewhat nauseated, but I force myself to get up and go outside with the rest of you. You still don't know what's going on.
Your driveway is magical. I want to turn off all of the lights and just lay there, but I'm not going tell you that, so it probably won't happen. But I am gracious to be off my feet once more, so here I am, sprawled on your driveway, bathing myself in the starlight. I feel another fucking attack coming along so I close my eyes and listen to you talk about your bullshit. But then, you all start running toward the lake, so I reluctantly arise and follow. I'm beginning to feel the grains of sand between my feet, and it's calming me down quite a bit. I feel a breeze, and am beginning to get fucking cold. I don't know where you all went, but I see a hand built castle next to the water, so I guess there. I walk over and sure enough, there you are. I'm not listening to what you're talking about, but the tide is calling me out to the water, as is the wind that is encasing my body. Since I'm not really feeling any throes coming along, I get up and stare wistfully out onto the lake. The enchanting part of the city on the other side is reflecting in the water and I want desperately to get in. I slowly take off most of my clothes, after making sure the rest of you are ignorant and occupied. My toe dips into the water first and it's kind of chilly but it warms up as I wade in deeper. This is nice... I'm really enjoying something for the first time in a long time. However, my blissfulness is torn apart in one moment when the pain in my mind rushes back and my muscles start to lock up. My eyes burst open and I'm back in your drive way. I must have fucking dozed off, because now you're looking at me saying I look kind of sick. I reply I'm not, but I would love a glass of water. Fuck.
I prop myself up, but the hurt pushes me back down. I want to go back into that dream, I want to know what happens in the lake. But since that's obviously not going to happen, so when you come back with some water I take my time getting up, but eventually follow you back inside the house where everyone else is waiting. This water isn't as fresh as the lake's. It makes me want to gag. No, it actually is making me gag, which is setting off yet another fucking attack. Now I'm just back at the beginning. You still don't know anything.
I feel a slight movement around me, yet I look up to see nothing. But I know it's not nothing. There are too many conflicting energies in the room. I'm still fucking standing here, and I haven't the strength to move any part of my body, so I let myself fall back down onto the floor. My stomach wrenches once more and I'm utterly unable to gather my thoughts. My emotional pain transforms into wretched physical convulsions here on your soft, innocent floor. Finally, I begin to calm down, but a chilling sweat weeps from my face and neck. I'm starting to shiver. All of you are still in the room, without a clue, and here I am on the ground, waiting for some sort of release. Almost on queue, my usually silent phone begins to vibrate rapidly. The noise and motion of the vibrations are amplified to ten thousand times that of its normality, and it takes me a while to reorient myself after that initial shock. I throw my phone across the fucking room. That got some of my emotion out. I'm not going to retrieve it.
I crawl over to the vicinity of your door and use all my strength, and a coffee table, to heave myself up. I use up the rest of my mind and body to walk back into the room and sit down. Nobody notices I left, but it's okay, you're preoccupied with your own activities. I melt there for a while, energizing myself. You're playing a movie, but I sit there motionless, watching what goes on around me. None of you seem to have a clue what's happening in my mind and body, so you jump up and now want to go outside, ignoring the flashing pictures on the now abandoned tv. You all run down the dimmed stairs and I lag behind, looking at this arduous, threatening task ahead of me. Your stairs beckon me to descend, as the light falls on each step in such a heavenly way. But it should know by now that I'm probably about to have another episode. It obviously doesn't care. I tighten my grip on the stair rail as I take the first step, but upon doing so I lose control and fall under the weight pressing down on my shoulders. I instantly decide to slide myself down the rest of the steps. I arrive at the floor, feeling somewhat nauseated, but I force myself to get up and go outside with the rest of you. You still don't know what's going on.
Your driveway is magical. I want to turn off all of the lights and just lay there, but I'm not going tell you that, so it probably won't happen. But I am gracious to be off my feet once more, so here I am, sprawled on your driveway, bathing myself in the starlight. I feel another fucking attack coming along so I close my eyes and listen to you talk about your bullshit. But then, you all start running toward the lake, so I reluctantly arise and follow. I'm beginning to feel the grains of sand between my feet, and it's calming me down quite a bit. I feel a breeze, and am beginning to get fucking cold. I don't know where you all went, but I see a hand built castle next to the water, so I guess there. I walk over and sure enough, there you are. I'm not listening to what you're talking about, but the tide is calling me out to the water, as is the wind that is encasing my body. Since I'm not really feeling any throes coming along, I get up and stare wistfully out onto the lake. The enchanting part of the city on the other side is reflecting in the water and I want desperately to get in. I slowly take off most of my clothes, after making sure the rest of you are ignorant and occupied. My toe dips into the water first and it's kind of chilly but it warms up as I wade in deeper. This is nice... I'm really enjoying something for the first time in a long time. However, my blissfulness is torn apart in one moment when the pain in my mind rushes back and my muscles start to lock up. My eyes burst open and I'm back in your drive way. I must have fucking dozed off, because now you're looking at me saying I look kind of sick. I reply I'm not, but I would love a glass of water. Fuck.
I prop myself up, but the hurt pushes me back down. I want to go back into that dream, I want to know what happens in the lake. But since that's obviously not going to happen, so when you come back with some water I take my time getting up, but eventually follow you back inside the house where everyone else is waiting. This water isn't as fresh as the lake's. It makes me want to gag. No, it actually is making me gag, which is setting off yet another fucking attack. Now I'm just back at the beginning. You still don't know anything.
My Epiphany
I was talking about my experiences to a dear friend the other night, and was letting her in on things I have never told anyone about. Not bad things, just things about me. And upon telling her all this, I figured quite a few things out about myself:
1. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy.
2. There is no one who could possibly imagine what I have felt.
3. When I am sad, it's not really the emotion "sad," it is 100% the emotion "empty."
4. I know exactly who I am.
Furthermore, I enjoy helping people. I realized that's what I should be doing at this very point in time. Well, it's one of the things I should be doing.
Discovering all these aspects to my being, I am a much happier person.
I mentioned quite a large "hole" a few blogs back and I think that I almost completely out of the hole. The task now is to fill all back in what I dug up. It's a lot to fill in, but I believe I'm up to it.
Although, one thing is bothering my conscience. It's not really bothersome, it's just a little aggravating. It's the fact that everyone around me is doing drugs, which in itself does not bother me, until recently now that a friend truly believes and is trying to convince me that drugs are the only way to be happy. I disagree with all of my heart.
My opinion is that we are all here for our souls to find stability, and to experience true happiness. However, it's not a necessity for us to find happiness here. There are many ways you can find happiness, and I actually believe that it is more plausible to find it after transition from this word. Or maybe it's that you find joy.
One of my role models told me once that happiness was short term, in the moment, and joy was the true happy feeling you get forever. I guess that changes everything, so that you can find happiness here on the earth, it is just the true joy that you have to wait for.
The only thing I know about joy is that I have felt it before, but not in this life, in this body. My soul has. The memories rush back.
I have felt a range of so many emotions, it's absolutely incredible. But you have no idea, because they haven't been felt here. I have often been told, even since I was a baby, that I have a very old soul. I guess I never really knew the meaning of that until now. It's nice.
I really wish I could explain all of this better, but I feel phenomenal. Only a handful of people know how I really feel, and even they can't imagine it. My heart feels like it's going to explode with gratitude for myself and my life. I need to fill up my hole with dirt before it sucks me in again and gets bigger.
I got a wonderful feeling everything's gonna be alright. Don't worry about tomorrow, I just want you to stay, so we can make it through another beautiful day.
1. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy.
2. There is no one who could possibly imagine what I have felt.
3. When I am sad, it's not really the emotion "sad," it is 100% the emotion "empty."
4. I know exactly who I am.
Furthermore, I enjoy helping people. I realized that's what I should be doing at this very point in time. Well, it's one of the things I should be doing.
Discovering all these aspects to my being, I am a much happier person.
I mentioned quite a large "hole" a few blogs back and I think that I almost completely out of the hole. The task now is to fill all back in what I dug up. It's a lot to fill in, but I believe I'm up to it.
Although, one thing is bothering my conscience. It's not really bothersome, it's just a little aggravating. It's the fact that everyone around me is doing drugs, which in itself does not bother me, until recently now that a friend truly believes and is trying to convince me that drugs are the only way to be happy. I disagree with all of my heart.
My opinion is that we are all here for our souls to find stability, and to experience true happiness. However, it's not a necessity for us to find happiness here. There are many ways you can find happiness, and I actually believe that it is more plausible to find it after transition from this word. Or maybe it's that you find joy.
One of my role models told me once that happiness was short term, in the moment, and joy was the true happy feeling you get forever. I guess that changes everything, so that you can find happiness here on the earth, it is just the true joy that you have to wait for.
The only thing I know about joy is that I have felt it before, but not in this life, in this body. My soul has. The memories rush back.
I have felt a range of so many emotions, it's absolutely incredible. But you have no idea, because they haven't been felt here. I have often been told, even since I was a baby, that I have a very old soul. I guess I never really knew the meaning of that until now. It's nice.
I really wish I could explain all of this better, but I feel phenomenal. Only a handful of people know how I really feel, and even they can't imagine it. My heart feels like it's going to explode with gratitude for myself and my life. I need to fill up my hole with dirt before it sucks me in again and gets bigger.
I got a wonderful feeling everything's gonna be alright. Don't worry about tomorrow, I just want you to stay, so we can make it through another beautiful day.
Everything is good, everything is bad. Everything is getting better. I'm now shifting everything into the hands of something greater than my miniscule self.Sitting here watching you all is what interests me. I see the way you interact with each other, with yourselves, with me. I retreat to being coy, listening, planning the perfect song for the moment. What is it about falling to the shadows that causes everything to amplify in your fucking brain? I hear too much, yet I hear too little. I know you care, but I know you don't care. I feel the beads of sweat popping out of my fucking face and hands, my body becomes overwhelmed with heat. My eyes begin to black out and I have to leave the room before I throw up. You all disgust me.
Leaning against the brick wall in your living room calms me down, while I press my face up against the bitter cold foundation of your house; it's fucking freezing outside. I apologize for using profanity; I tend to do that when I'm overcome with emotion of almost any kind. My emotions and my mind are both running excessively, and I'm not entirely sure if it is in a positive or negative way. I'm angry, but I'm content. I am: I don't know. Either way, my face is still stuck to the wall, so I peel it off and slide down against the massive column. Sitting there for a while calms me down. I should probably muster the strength to enter the room again, although I am desperate not to. Another similar attack possesses my body in the dimmed, deserted room, and I fall over onto my side. The nausea is worse this time, but I get over myself and push everything back down. I get the fuck back up and, with the support of your couch, I look at the door.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Oh Oh Oh I Got a Feeling.
Love me, love me, oh love me pretty baby.
I feel like you couldn't even imagine. I feel from the past, I remember those emotions. My soul does. I have the feeling in the palm of my hand. I know what I want.
This brings back old memories. But not old as in, a couple years ago. Old as in decades ago. I'm not entirely sure what these memories are, but I feel them. I feel you.
All except one of you don't know what I'm feeling.
You who does, I am waiting for you. You know and I know. We both feel each other, just like the past. The rest of yall? Try to convince me otherwise?
Tell me one thing babe, tell me one thing but I know it ain't true. You can tell me one thing but you know what you're sayin' ain't true.
Back to you pretttttty baby. We're close, closer than before. We just have to find ourselves again. I don't know you in this world, but I know your soul, your energy, and your heart. We're close.
Our journey will go on like this until the end of time.
Ohh ohhhhh ohhhhhhh oh pretty baby.
I feel like you couldn't even imagine. I feel from the past, I remember those emotions. My soul does. I have the feeling in the palm of my hand. I know what I want.
This brings back old memories. But not old as in, a couple years ago. Old as in decades ago. I'm not entirely sure what these memories are, but I feel them. I feel you.
All except one of you don't know what I'm feeling.
You who does, I am waiting for you. You know and I know. We both feel each other, just like the past. The rest of yall? Try to convince me otherwise?
Tell me one thing babe, tell me one thing but I know it ain't true. You can tell me one thing but you know what you're sayin' ain't true.
Back to you pretttttty baby. We're close, closer than before. We just have to find ourselves again. I don't know you in this world, but I know your soul, your energy, and your heart. We're close.
Our journey will go on like this until the end of time.
Ohh ohhhhh ohhhhhhh oh pretty baby.
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